The machine,Mr. Bert Kreischer, everybody.
Let him hear it.
[cheers and applause]
I fought a bear one time.
I know--It soundsas ridiculous to me
as it does to you.
But I used to have a showcalled Hurt Bert.
It was on FX,and I used to take
new men's dangerous jobs.
Every week,it was a brand-new guy,
and I tookhis dangerous job.
So you can imaginethe excitement I got
when I had--when I got a callone morning
and they said, "Hey,do you want to fight a bear?"
I was like, "Who does thatfor a living?"
And they're like,"You do on Thursday."
So I show up on set,and it's a real grizzly bear.
It is a 9-foot bearsitting on a park bench just--
A vacant look in--
As dumb as you thinka bear would look.
So I walk up.I'm 28 years old.
I don't know any better.
I stick my handin front of his nose
so he can get my scent,
and the trainerloses his shit.
He goes,"What are you doing?"
I was like, "I'm letting--He's getting my scent."
He goes,"This is a grizzly bear,
not a labradoodle."
He goes,"That's not how we do it.
We have protocolaround here."
I said, "Okay, what am Isupposed to do?"
He goes, "Take these,"
and he hands mefive marshmallows.
He goes, "When the bear'snot looking,
"take a marshmallow,put it in your mouth.
"Then, discreetly walkin front of the bear,
"just casually,show him the marshmallow like--
"And allow the bearthe opportunity to engage you.
"He needs to engage you
"and take the marshmallow outof your mouth with his mouth.
This way, he'll learnto trust you."
And I was like,"[bleep] that.
"Who thought of this,the bear?
Is this the bear's idea?"
He's like, "Hey, buddy,this is how we do it,"
and my whole television crewis behind him like...
♪ This is howwe do it ♪
It's my second TV show ever.I have no idea what I'm doing.
I'm 28, and I want--So I'm like, "All right.
I don't care.I'll do it."
So I take five marshmallows,I hide behind the bear,
and like David Blaine,I whip one into my mouth.
Then nonchalantlywalk in front of the bear
like a street hooker,like...
And the bear goes from vacantto excited, just...
[snorts and roars]
And I'm going...
And he starts jumping.
And I'm going...
And he rushes me
and tongues itout of my mouth.
Bears never brushtheir teeth.
I'm making out with a homelessperson five times in a row.
And I'm like...
We get done,and the trainer goes,
I go, "Hold on.I haven't learned anything."
He goes, "You kidding me?
"You learned the most importantlesson of the day,
and that is,the bear likes marshmallows."
I go, "What's that meanfor me?"
He goes, "Listen,if you get in trouble,
"just very confidently say'marshmallow,'
"and what'll happen is,the bear will hear that,
"and he'll give you some spaceto do your marshmallow trick.
"But we'll hear it,we'll know you're in trouble,
and we'll get you out of there;that's your safe word."
I was like, "Yeah, but he thinksthey're inside me."
He's like, "You'll be fine.Let's go!"
And the bear--I swear--
And I know you're gonna go,"Bullshit."
The bear was smiling.He was--
He's got that lookin his face like,
"I know how to get marshmallowsaround here, bitch."
And he runs up to me,
and I can't express itperfectly.
It's like beingin a car crash,
the most helplessI've ever felt.
He grabs me by the ears,both paws,
lifts me off the groundeffortlessly,
and starts tryingto shake marshmallows
out of my ass, just...
And I'm going,"Marshmallow, marshmallow.
But no one can hear me
'cause there'sa 9-foot grizzly bear going...
All of a sudden,he drops me,
and that is at the momentthat I thought I was gonna die.
He lets go,and I'm like, "Thank God."
Then his fingernailgrabbed my belt loop,
just snagged it,and he spun me doggy style
and locked onin a bear hug, just...
Grinding gentlyon my ass, just--
Now we're both facingthe same direction.
I'm looking at the crew,the trainer, going,
Everyone's laughingexcept for the trainer,
who looks panicked.
He waves and catches eyeswith me and goes, "Go limp!"
I'm like, "Please be talkingto me right now.
"A--Is there a bear [bleep]climbing up my jeans?"
About to split center seam,just--
So I go limp.I go limp.
Now it looks like I'm gettingdate raped by a bear, just--
I slide out of his paws,land on my back,
and that's the last thingI remember,
because apparentlyhis instincts took over
and he sat on my face.
My wife, who I had been datingfor three months at the time--
I had invited her to the setso I could impress her.
My wife's not afraidof big animals at all.
She goes over to the bagof marshmallows,
grabs a marshmallow,puts it in her mouth.
Stands by my feetand goes--
The bear then takes his ballsout of my mouth,
walks over to her.
They pull the bear to one side,her to the other.
They drag me under a tree,and I wake up in the lap
of my producerTim Scott.
I open my eyes.I look at Tim.
It's the first thing I see,and I was like,
He was like, "Well, you gotraped and tea-bagged by a bear.
You might wantto get tested."
And he's like, "That chick--that LeAnn chick,
I thinkshe saved your life."
And I look over,and my wife, at that moment,
is coming running over to me,and it's like--
It's out of a movie,and I know you're gonna go,
"Really, is this howthis [bleep] happened?"
Well, it's my narrative, okay?
She leans in.Her head blocks the sun.
There is a halofrom the Lord himself,
or herself--I don't care.
And she is staring down at me,and she says to me
in her Southern accent,"Are you okay?"
And I look back at herwith the sun
caressing her face,
and I knew without a doubtin that instant,
at that very moment--You're like, "Really?
That's when you knew?"Yeah, that's when I knew.
I would've never done thatfor her.
Thank you, guys.
[cheers and applause]