Jim Gaffigan - Bowling

Jim Gaffigan: King Baby Season 1, Ep 0101 03/29/2009 Views: 112,000

Jim Gaffigan knows that bowling has got to be a germaphobe's worst nightmare. (2:56)

THERE'S NOTHING REALLYHEALTHY ABOUT BOWLING.

IT HAS TO BETHE GERMAPHOBE'S NIGHTMARE.

"HERE, PUT ON THESE MOIST SHOES10,000 PEOPLE WORE

AND STICK YOUR FINGERSIN THESE DIRTY HOLES.

NOW YOU HAVE THE FLU."

HOW DIRTYARE THOSE HOLES?

IT'S NOT LIKE THOSEBALLS WEAR OUT.

THEY PROBABLY HAVEN'TMANUFACTURED A BOWLING BALL

IN 1,000 YEARS.

SOMEONE'S OUT THERE IS USINGFRED FLINTSTONE'S RIGHT NOW.

( falsetto )THAT IS PREPOSTEROUS.

( normal )I DON'T OWN A BOWLING BALL

'CAUSE I'M NOT A WEIRDO.

"YEAH, I WANT TO VOLUNTEERTO CARRY AROUND A 50-LB BALL.

CAN YOU PUT ITIN A BIG UGLY PURSE?

THAT'S HOW I WANTTO MEET THE LADIES."

"OH, COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICEYOU STARING AT MY PURSE.

IT'S FILLEDWITH A BIG BLUE BALL.

MIND IF I FOLLOW YOUAROUND THE PARKING LOT?

I'LL JUST BE HUMMING."( humming )

♪ BALL IN THE BAG.

THAT'S THE WORSTSONG EVER.

I ALWAYS HAVE TO PICK OUTMY BOWLING BALL.

I CAN NEVER FINDTHE RIGHT ONE.

I'M LIKE,"THIS ONE IS TOO HEAVY.

THIS ONE IS GOOD,BUT IT'S PINK.

AND MY FINGERS DON'T FIT."

HOW DO THEY DECIDEON THOSE FINGER SIZES?

THEY'RE EITHERFOR A FIVE-YEAR-OLD GIRL

OR THE INCREDIBLE HULK.

HOW BIG ARE SOME PEOPLE'S FINGERS?

SOME GUY WEARINGA CATCHER'S MITT?

"YEAH, IT'S GOOD.

I CAN STILL CATCH THE GAME.DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT."

THOSE BOWLING SHOES,NO UPDATE THERE.

"YOU NEEDOUR SPECIAL SHOES

BEFORE YOU CAN ROLLOUR MAGIC BALL."

SOME PEOPLE HAVETHEIR OWN BOWLING BALL

AND THEIR OWN BOWLING SHOESAND NO FRIENDS.

( falsetto )THAT'S MEAN.

I CAN SAY THAT'CAUSE I LIKE BOWLING.

I WATCH BOWLING ON TV,

'CAUSE I USEMY TIME WISELY.

I SAW THIS COLLEGE-TEAMCHAMPIONSHIP.

EACH TEAM HADTHEIR OWN COACH.

WHAT KINDOF STRATEGY ADVICE

IS A BOWLING COACHGIVING?

"YOU KNOW WHAT?THIS TIME, TIMMY,

I WANT YOU TO KNOCK DOWNALL THE PINS."

"ARE YOU SURE?""TRUST ME.

JUST DO IT, SON!"

THAT'S WEIRD.

BOWLING SEEMS SILLY,

YET WE ALL TAKE ITVERY SERIOUSLY, RIGHT?

TILL WE GET THAT FIRST GUTTER BALL WE'RE LIKE,

"LET ME SHOW YOUHOW IT'S DONE."

( laughs )"THIS IS A STUPID SPORT."

THERE'S FEW MOMENTSIN LIFE

AS HUMILIATINGAS THAT GUTTER BALL.

THE WORST PART ISTHEN YOU HAVE TO MAKE

THAT TURN BACKTO YOUR FRIENDS.

"THAT BALL'S BROKEN.

IT'S TILTED DOWN THERE."