I'm single right now.
Not because of the vulva thing,for other reasons.
And I enjoy being single,
but I feel like I've been singlefor too long,
and I've started to pick upa lot of weird habits
because I don't havea girlfriend
to just be like, "Hey, stopchewing your fingernails,"
or, "Mason jars don't doubleas latrines."
Like, really simple thingsthat you know.
And one of the weirder hobbiesI've picked up as a single guy
is, I like to makelittle clay sculptures,
about this big or so,of Pokémon.
And here's the weird part,because that's not...
They're not bad.
They're actually, like,really good.
And if that sounds cocky,
just rememberwhat I'm bragging about.
Now, here's the thing thatmakes that extra strange.
Because of the wayI look and am,
I don't really pull off quirkyvery well.
I feel like I give offone of two impressions:
either dumb frat boyor charming serial killer.
That's it, right?
So when you guys picturemy bedroom,
you probably see, like,I don't know,
something bro-y, kind of, like,protein powder
and a Fight Club poster.
And they're there, but...
Now picture,in addition to those,
a menagerie of handmadeanime figurines
Murder dungeon--that's where I live.
And I had a wake-up callrecently,
where I went on a date,and it went well,
and I lured her backto my apartment,
and as we were walking in,I realized,
I forgot to tell her about this,
so the first thing she sees
is just a hundredof these little guys,
just lining my shelves,overlooking my bed
like gargoyles of self-inflictedabstinence, right?
And for a moment,I think I'm artistic,
she thinks I'm autistic,
and in the silence that follows,
you can hear her ovaries just go"shumpf" up into her ribcage,
like tubes at the bank, and...
She looks at them,
and then she looks at mewith fear in her eyes,
just like, "Oh, you didn'ttell me you collected toys."
I was like, "No, no, no.
I made those."