Patton Oswalt - Obituaries

  • Season 2 , Ep 12
  • 09/03/1999
  • Views: 10,929

Most obituary writers must be failed PR people. (2:02)

I READ THE OBITUARIES A LOTBECAUSE IT JUST SEEMS TO ME

THAT PEOPLE THAT WRITETHE OBITUARIES

EITHER WANT TO BE P.R. PEOPLE

OR THEY'RE FAILED P.R. PEOPLE

AND THEY, YOU KNOW, THEY'RETRYING TO KEEP IT GOING.

"HEY, LOOK, I SPUN DEATH."

UH, FOR INSTANCE,IN THE OBITUARIES

NO ONE EVER DIES OF CANCER

PEOPLE ALWAYS "GIVE IN AFTERA VALIANT BATTLE WITH CANCER"

OR THEY "THROW IN THE TOWELAFTER A COURAGEOUS FIGHT."

WHICH, STATISTICALLY,THAT CAN'T BE POSSIBLE.

THERE HAD TO HAVE BEEN A COUPLEOF COWARDLY ORDEALS IN THERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE: "BOB SMITH DIED TODAY

"AFTER A CRAVEN, COWARDLYORDEAL WITH CANCER

"DURING WHICHHE WISHED THE DISEASE

"ON HIS FAMILY AND FRIENDS...

( audience laughing )

"AND ATTEMPTED A PACT WITH SATAN

"WHICH LEFT HIS BASEMENTCOVERED IN GOAT'S BLOOD AND...

"FOUR BOXES OF CHALKNEEDLESSLY WASTED

"TRYING TO SUMMON A DEMONWHO NEVER APPEARED.

"THE FEW MOURNERSWHO SHOWED UP AT THIS FUNERAL

"HAD A HARD TIME NOT GIGGLING.

GOOD RIDDANCE."

MY OTHER BIG OBITUARY FEAR IS

WHEN I DIE,THEY'LL HAVE MY PICTURE

AND THEN THEY ALWAYS HAVEUNDERNEATH IT, IN QUOTES:

"HE LOVED TO LAUGH.

OH, HE LOVED TO LAUGH!"

WELL, THAT DOESN'TTELL YOU ANYTHING.

HEY, EVERYBODY LOVES TO LAUGH.YOU'RE LAUGHING.

THAT'S LIKE SAYING:

"HE HUNGERED FOR FOODSO OFTEN IN HIS LIFE.

"HE GOT THESE INSANE CRAVINGS.

"HE TRIED TO GIVE IT UP.

"HE'D HAVE A BIG BREAKFAST ANDSAY, 'THAT'S IT! COLD TURKEY!'

"AND THEN AT LUNCH,HE'D WANT SOME COLD TURKEY.

"IT WAS PATHETIC.

"BATTLED IT ALONGSIDEOF HIS SLEEP ADDICTION.

"OH, THAT SLEEP ADDICTIONWAS A MONKEY ON HIS BACK.

"HE'D GO 18, 20 HOURS,BUT SOONER OR LATER

"HE'D LOOK FOR A 'BED'TO 'LIE DOWN IN'

"AS THE CRAZY SLEEP JUNKIESWOULD SAY

"IN THAT WEIRD STREET LINGOOF THEIRS:

"I'M GOING TO GO TAKE A 'NAP.'

WHAT'S THAT HEP CAT SAYING?"

ALTHOUGH, I CAN'T THINK OFANYTHING CREEPIER

THAN WATCHING SOMEONE LAUGH

WHO HATES TO LAUGH.

HOW DISTURBING WOULD THAT LOOK?

YOU TELL THEM AND JOKEAND THEY'RE, LIKE:

"OH, LAUGHTER!"

( growling )

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