Eddie Gossling: I'M FROM THE
SUBURBS.
[SILENCE]
YEAH.
[LAUGHTER]
I'LL TELL YOU THIS GROWING UP
IN THE SUBURBS WAS NOT EXACTLY
LIKE HAVING YOUR ASS IN A TUB OF
BUTTER, FOLKS.
[LAUGHTER]
I REMEMBER ONE TIME IT WAS HOT
IN THE HOUSE AND I WAS LIKE,
"FATHER, IT IS SWELTERING
IN HERE."
[LAUGHTER]
"MIGHT WE TURN ON THE
AIR CONDITIONING FOR BUT A
MOMENT?"
AND HE'S LIKE, "NO.
GO TO YOUR ROOM."
OKAY?
SO, THAT'S WHERE I'M COMING
FROM.
[LAUGHTER]
MAN, I LISTEN TO TOO MUCH
HIP-HOP.
IT'S AFFECTED THE WAY I TALK
TO PEOPLE.
IT DOES.
I LOVE HIP-HOP.
EVEN IF IT'S LIKE 70%/30%
HIP TO THE HOP,
I'LL STILL LISTEN.
[LAUGHTER]
I DON'T CARE.
I DON'T CARE.
YOU DON'T KNOW ME.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
I DO.
I LIKE NELLY.
NELLY'S PRETTY COOL.
HE'S GOT THIS ONE SONG WHEN
HE TALKS ABOUT HOW HOT IT IS
AND HOW THIS GIRL SHOULD JUST
TAKE HER CLOTHES OFF.
BUT THEN THE GIRL'S LIKE,
"IT IS GETTING HOT IN HERE.
I'M GONNA TAKE MY CLOTHES
OFF."
AND I'M LIKE, "DAMN.
THIS GUY'S LIKE A HYPNOTIST."
I WISH I COULD JUST SUGGESTIVELY
SING SOMETHING TO A LADY AND
SHE'D DO IT LIKE I WAS A SEXUAL
WARLOCK.
I'D PROBABLY USE MY POWER FOR
EVIL, THOUGH.
[LAUGHTER]
♪ THIS MEAL IS EXPENSIVE ♪
♪ I HOPE SHE PAYS FOR HALF ♪
[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
♪ ORAL SEX TASTES REAL GOOD ♪
♪ AND IT'S GOOD FOR YOU ♪
♪ IT FIGHTS OSTEOPOROSIS ♪
HAS ANYBODY EVEN CHECKED TO SEE
IF THAT MIGHT BE TRUE?
ENOUGH WITH THE MILK ALREADY.
TEST THE PIMP JUICE.
YEAH.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
COME ON.
THAT WOULD JUST MAKE IT THAT
LESS AWKWARD TO ASK FOR ONE.
LIKE, "HONEY, I DON'T LIKE
THESE EITHER."
ECK!
I JUST DON'T WANT YOU TO BE
ALL CRICKETY!
NOW, LET THE HEALING BEGIN.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
YEAH.
I USED TO GET IN FIGHTS WITH
THE HIP-HOP CLUBS ALL THE TIME,
BUT NOT ANYMORE.
WHEN IT LOOKS LIKE I'M ABOUT
TO GET IN A FIGHT, THIS IS HOW
I GET OUT OF IT.
I'M LIKE "YOU DON'T WANT
A PART OF THIS."
THERE'S MORE.
DON'T DO THAT OR YOU'LL GET
YOUR ASS BEAT.
[LAUGHTER]
"THIS IS FRESH BREWED EDDIE."
AND THEN I GO--
[TEA KETTLE WHISTLE]
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
YEAH.
IF YOU DO THAT, NOBODY WILL
FIGHT YOU.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
YOU GOTTA KEEP IT GOING.
EVEN AS THEY'RE WALKING AWAY...
[WHISTLES CONTINUALLY]
THEY LOOK BACK.
[WHISTLES CONTINUALLY]
IT'S THE TEAPOT.
TEAPOT!
[LAUGHTER]