Richard Jeni - Brought Up Catholic

  • Season 6 , Ep 3
  • 05/05/2002
  • Views: 6,670

Richard Jeni had trouble staying awake during church as a kid. (4:06)

IN THE AUDIENCE, BY YOUR

APPLAUSE, BELIEVE IN GOD?

APPLAUD IF YOU BELIEVE IN GOD.

(APPLAUSE)

YEAH!

THAT'S NOT SURPRISING.

AMERICANS ARE A VERY SPIRITUAL

PEOPLE.

I READ THE OTHER DAY THAT

80% OF ALL AMERICANS BELIEVE

THAT ANGELS ARE REAL.

WHICH IS AMAZING BECAUSE

50% OF AMERICANS THINK THAT

DNA EVIDENCE IS UNRELIABLE.

(LAUGHTER)

MYSELF, I'M CATHOLIC--

WELL, I'M CATHOLIC IN THE SAME

SENSE THAT IF A COW IS BORN

IN A TREE THEN IT'S A BIRD.

(LAUGHTER

I'M NOT GOING TO WAR

OVER MY RELIGION OR NOTHING.

I DON'T GET THAT.

PEOPLE GOING TO WAR OVER

RELIGION.

I DON'T KNOW.

I COULD SEE GOING TO WAR OVER

JUSTICE OR DEMOCRACY OR EVEN

REVENGE, BUT IF YOU'RE GOING

TO WAR OVER RELIGION, NOW YOU'RE

JUST KILLING PEOPLE IN AN

ARGUMENT OVER WHO HAS THE BETTER

IMAGINARY FRIEND.

(LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE)

BUT I--

THANK YOU.

(APPLAUSE)

BUT I WAS BROUGHT UP CATHOLIC.

MY MOM TOOK US TO MASS EVERY

SUNDAY.

SHORT FOR "MASSIVE HEAD TRAUMA."

(LAUGHTER)

THAT YOU GET FROM YOUR MOTHER

PUNCHING YOU IN YOUR LITTLE

NINE YEAR OLD HEAD EVERY MINUTE

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SIT STILL

FOR ANYTHING THIS BORING.

THE MAIN PROBLEM IS THE GUY

IN FRONT IS A PRIEST, HIS MAIN

JOB IS TO STAND IN ONE SPOT,

NO EXPRESSION, NO EMOTION,

AND SAY THE WORD "LORD", EIGHT,

NINE THOUSAND TIMES IN A VERY

CLIPPED JUST CAUGHT MY SCROTUM

IN A SUBWAY DOOR

KERMIT-THE-PRIEST VOICE.

THIS IS HOW OUR GUY USE TO TALK.

I'M NOT MAKING IT UP.

(KERMIT VOICE) "LORD."

OH, LORD, GOD.

OH, GOD, LORD.

OH, LORD, AS I MUST DO

EACH WEEK, LET ME REPEAT THINGS

OVER AN OVER AS IF TO FILL UP

A BUT ASS BORING HOUR.

LORD, YOU ARE HOLY, HOLY, HOLY.

YOU ARE ONE HOLY GUY THERE,

LORD.

YOU ARE A 10 POUND OF HOLY IN A

5 POUND BAG LORD."

AND I'D BE SITTING THERE

NINE YEARS OLD GOING, "WHAT ARE

YOU, RAINMAN?

WHY IS THIS TAKING SO LONG?"

OW!

"SIT STRAIGHT AND SHUT UP.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

YOU'RE IN GOD'S HOUSE RIGHT

NOW."

"GOD IS IN HERE?

YEAH, OKAY.

I GUESS HE MUST HAVE LOST A BET

'CAUSE THAT'S ABOUT THE--

OW!

(LAUGHTER)

WOULD YOU QUIT HITTING ME, MOM?

WHAT WOULD GOD BE DOING IN HERE?

YOU TOLD ME GOD COULD GO

ANYWHERE.

IF I WAS GOD AND GO ANYWHERE

I WOULDN'T COME HERE.

(LAUGHTER)

IF I WAS GOD I'D BE IN FRONT OF

THIS CHURCH ON A CELL PHONE,

SMOKING A CIGARETTE."

YOU'D WALK OUT OF THE CHURCH

AND GOD WOULD BE THERE.

YOU SAY, "HEY, GOD, WHY AREN'T

YOU INSIDE?"

AND HE'D GO, "I WAS, I COULDN'T

TALK ONE MORE MINUTE OF THAT

NONSENSE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND I KEPT THINKING OUR CHURCH

IS IN THE MIDDLE OF BROOKLYN,

NEW YORK.

WHY DON'T THEY JUST GET ONE OF

THESE LOCAL GOODFELLA, JOE PESCI

TYPE CHARACTERS THAT LIVES

HERE, LET HIM CONDUCT THE MASS,

AND WE'D ALL BE OUT OF THERE

IN FIVE MINUTES.

(LAUGHTER)

WHY DON'T THEY GET SOME GUY

UP THERE IN A SHINY SUIT ON THE

ALTAR WHO'S GOT STUFF TO DO.

(LAUGHTER)

HE WALK, "HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

WELCOME TO MASS.

NICE TO SEE YA.

I'M THE REVEREND VINNIE

CIPERCHLIS.

SIT DOWN SHUT UP I'M DOUBLE

PARKED.

"OKAY, HERE'S EVERYTHING

YOU GOT TO KNOW IF YOU WANT

TO GO TO HEAVEN.

A LONG TIME AGO THERE'S A GARDEN

THIS BROAD IS WALKING THROUGH

SHE TALKS TO A SNAKE, BITES ON

AN APPLE, THAT MEANS WHEN YOU'RE

BORN YOUR AND EVIL USELESS

WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP.

GOES WITH OUT SAYING.

NOW, SKIP AHEAD, SKIP AHEAD,

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

OKAY, THE FATHER SENDS DOWN THE

SON THERE'S A PREGNANT VIRGIN

IN A BARN, THREE WISE GUYS

COME IN FROM THE EAST.

THAT'S CHRISTMAS.

GET A TREE.

SKIP, SKIP, SKIP,

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

OKAY, THIS GUY JESUS, HE'S DOING

GOOD, HIS FRIEND RATS HIM OUT,

THE ROMANS WHACK HIM,

THAT'S EASTER.

GET A HAT."

SO THOSE ARE THE MAIN THINGS.

IT'S PRETTY MUCH IT.

YOU GOT THE PRIEST, THE SAINTS,

THE CARDINALS, RIGHT NOW,

THE SAINT'S ARE PLAYING

THE CARDINALS.

I GOT A HUGE BET ON THE GAME.

I GOT TO GET OUT A HERE.

GOD BLESS YOU.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK."

YEAH, HOW'S THAT?

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Loading...