Tom Papa - Getting Old

  • Season 11, Ep 9
  • 02/15/2007
  • Views: 7,725

It's a treat when you start losing your memory. (2:37)

TO MAKE UP ANY DECISIONS WHEN YOU'RE 20, YOU KNOW?

TWENTY IS JUST A BLAST.IT IS.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - I KNOW.

I'M 22 ANDI DON'T WANT IT TO END.

THE ONLY THING YOU REALLY HAVE TO FOCUS ON IN YOUR 20s

IS NOT GETTING A BAD TATTOO. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE 40 GOING,

"NO DUDE, IT WAS DIFFERENT.

BACK THEN EVERYONE LOVEDSPONGE BOB; EVERYONE."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YOU WANT TO LIVE FOREVERIN YOUR 20s, DON'T YOU?

EVERY YEAR IS NEW AND EXCITING.

"WEE, I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN. HEY."

ONCE YOU GET OVER 30 YOU'RE LIKE,

"HOW LONG DO I WANNA LIVE?"

LIFE IS COOL AND ALL,BUT IT'S REALLY THE SAMEDAMN THING EVERY YEAR.

IT'S ON A CONSTANT LOOP,ISN'T IT?

SUPER BOWL, FOURTH OF JULY, CHRISTMAS.

SUPER BOWL, FOURTH OF JULY, CHRISTMAS. SOMEBODY PRESS "EJECT."

THAT'S WHY OLD PEOPLE ARE FALLING ASLEEP SITTING UP.

THEY'RE BORED OUT OF THEIR HEADS.

EVEN EVERY DAY ENDS THE SAME, DOESN'T IT?

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR DINNER?" "I DON'T KNOW,

WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR DINNER?" HOW ABOUT A GUN IN MY MOUTH

SO WE NEVER HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS AGAIN?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S HARD TO EVEN WANT TO GET REALLY OLD

WHEN YOU SEE WHAT NATUREDOES TO YOU, YOU KNOW?

YOU SAY, "WHAT KIND OF GOAL IS THAT?"

I SEE PICTURES OF MY GRANDMOTHER,

SHE WAS A STUNNING YOUNG WOMAN. SHE WAS A KNOCKOUT.

- SHE LOOKS LIKE BEN FRANKLIN NOW. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BIG POTBELLY, KIND OF BALD IN THE FRONT, LONG HAIR IN THE BACK,

WEARS HER GLASSESON THE TIP OF HER NOSE.

YOU PUT A KITE IN HER HAND; SHE'S BENJAMIN FRANKLIN.

MY GRANDFATHER-- LAST 20 YEARS OF HIS LIFE--

JUST WENT AROUND GRABBIN' ASS. THAT WAS HIS HOBBY.

EVERY WOMAN THAT CAME BY, "HEY, HEY."

THEY'D TURN AROUND ALL OFFENDED, SEE IT'S AN OLD MAN, "AWW."

THAT'S NOT CUTE, THAT'S A PERVERT. THEY DON'T CARE.

THE GREATEST PARTABOUT GETTING REALLY OLD,

YOU'RE MEMORY STARTS GOING. THAT'S A TREAT.

DON'T EVEN HAVE TO SMOKE POT ANYMORE.

MAKES MARRIAGE GO A LOT EASIER, TOO.

COME DOWN IN THE MORNING, "OH, WHO'S THIS YOUNG LADY

COOKIN' ME EGGS?"

MY MEMORY IS ALREADY GOING. I USED TO LOOK FOR MY KEYS

IN THE MORNING LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. YOU KNOW I'D WAKE UP

AND I'D CHECK MY POCKETS AND I'D CHECK THE COUNTER,

AND I WAS OUT THE DOOR.NOW I'M LIKE, "WAIT,

I CAME IN LAST NIGHT,I HAD A DRINK OF WATER,

THEY'RE PROBABLY IN THE ATTIC WITH MY CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS."

LET ME LOOK UP THERE FOR FIVE DAYS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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