AND I'M NOT MARRIED AND I DON'T
HAVE CHILDREN AND PEOPLE ARE
CONCERNED.
NOT REALLY PEOPLE, JUST MY
FAMILY, MY MOM MY SISTER.
I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY CARE.
MY SISTER ACTUALLY TOLD ME,
YOU GUYS, THAT IT WAS
MY RESPONSIBILITY AS A
WELL-ADJUSTED MEMBER OF SOCIETY
TO HAVE CHILDREN.
IS THAT CRAZY?
I'M LIKE "I'M NOT WELL ADJUSTED,
I'M ON VICODIN WHEN I VISIT
YOU."
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S GOOD I TOLD HER 'CAUSE NOW
I DON'T HAVE TO BABY-SIT
HER KIDS WHEN THEY'RE IN TOWN.
SCORE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
PAYS TO BE HONEST.
NO, WHAT I AM SCARED OF IS
GETTING INVITRO BECAUSE WHEN
YOU HAVE INVITRO, YOU DON'T HAVE
JUST ONE KID, YOU KNOW.
YOU HAVE LIKE A BOY BAND.
[LAUGHTER]
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D...
I THINK I'D GIVE THEM AWAY
AS CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.
PEOPLE WOULD BE LIKE "I WONDER
WHAT LYNNE GAVE US,
THERE'S HOLES IN THE BOX.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU THINK IT'S A PUPPY?"
"BETTER!
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT.
YOU ALREADY HAVE THREE."
[LAUGHTER]
I'M SCARED TO HAVE A MANHATTAN
CHILD.
MANHATTAN CHILDREN ARE BIZARRE
'CAUSE I'M FROM THE SOUTH.
MANHATTAN CHILDREN ARE LIKE
WEIRD, UPPITY LITTLE POD
CHILDREN.
DID YOU EVER NOTICE THAT?
THEY'RE LIKE A LITTLE TOO
SOPHISTICATED LITTLE SNOTTY.
MY FRIEND HAD ME BABY-SIT ONE OF
HER KIDS.
IT WAS LIKE A LITTLE 6-YEAR-OLD.
I GUESS, I DON'T KNOW.
IT WAS WALKING AND TALKING,
WHATEVER, WHATEVER AGE
THAT HAPPENS, I DON'T KNOW.
ANYWAY, I WAS WATCHING
THE LITTLE KID AND I ASKED HER
WHAT HER FAVORITE FOOD WAS.
I WAS TRYING TO MAKE
CONVERSATION.
WHAT DO YOU TALK TO THEM ABOUT?
AND I SAID, "WHAT'S YOUR
FAVORITE FOOD?"
AND SHE'S LIKE "UDAN NOODLES."
[LAUGHTER]
"TRY CHICKEN NUGGET, YOU LITTLE
FREAK, LIKE THE REST OF THE
COUNTRY."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
I CAN'T RELATE TO THAT.
IT'S WEIRD.
WHEN I WAS LITTLE, I DRANK OUT
OF A GARDEN HOSE, PEOPLE.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
I USED TO GET LOCKED OUT OF
THE HOUSE ON SUNNY DAYS.
DID ANYBODY ELSE EVER GET THAT?
LOCKED CLEAR OUT.
MY MOTHER WOULD BE LIKE,
"PICK ONE.
IN OR OUT?
IN OR OUT?!"
AND I HAD THAT LITTLE KID A.D.D,
SO I COULD NEVER PICK ONE
QUICKLY.
I'D BE LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.
I SEE A RAIN CLOUD.
WHAT'S ON TV?"
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
AND IF YOU DIDN'T PICK QUICK,
MY MOM WOULD SHOW UP AND JUST
LOCK YOU OUT.
GOD FORBID, MY LITTLE SISTER
GOT CAUGHT UP ON THE "IN" AND
I'M ON THE "OUT."
WE'RE TALKING TO EACH OTHER
THROUGH THE GLASS LIKE WE'RE AT
A STATE PRISON.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
LIKE, "TELL MOM I'M THIRSTY."
[LAUGHTER]
"MAMA SAYS YOU PICKED 'OUT'.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
TAKE IT FROM THE HOSE."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]