AND I'M NOT MARRIED AND I DON'T

HAVE CHILDREN AND PEOPLE ARE

CONCERNED.

NOT REALLY PEOPLE, JUST MY

FAMILY, MY MOM MY SISTER.

I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY CARE.

MY SISTER ACTUALLY TOLD ME,

YOU GUYS, THAT IT WAS

MY RESPONSIBILITY AS A

WELL-ADJUSTED MEMBER OF SOCIETY

TO HAVE CHILDREN.

IS THAT CRAZY?

I'M LIKE "I'M NOT WELL ADJUSTED,

I'M ON VICODIN WHEN I VISIT

YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S GOOD I TOLD HER 'CAUSE NOW

I DON'T HAVE TO BABY-SIT

HER KIDS WHEN THEY'RE IN TOWN.

SCORE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

PAYS TO BE HONEST.

NO, WHAT I AM SCARED OF IS

GETTING INVITRO BECAUSE WHEN

YOU HAVE INVITRO, YOU DON'T HAVE

JUST ONE KID, YOU KNOW.

YOU HAVE LIKE A BOY BAND.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D...

I THINK I'D GIVE THEM AWAY

AS CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.

PEOPLE WOULD BE LIKE "I WONDER

WHAT LYNNE GAVE US,

THERE'S HOLES IN THE BOX.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU THINK IT'S A PUPPY?"

"BETTER!

I THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT.

YOU ALREADY HAVE THREE."

[LAUGHTER]

I'M SCARED TO HAVE A MANHATTAN

CHILD.

MANHATTAN CHILDREN ARE BIZARRE

'CAUSE I'M FROM THE SOUTH.

MANHATTAN CHILDREN ARE LIKE

WEIRD, UPPITY LITTLE POD

CHILDREN.

DID YOU EVER NOTICE THAT?

THEY'RE LIKE A LITTLE TOO

SOPHISTICATED LITTLE SNOTTY.

MY FRIEND HAD ME BABY-SIT ONE OF

HER KIDS.

IT WAS LIKE A LITTLE 6-YEAR-OLD.

I GUESS, I DON'T KNOW.

IT WAS WALKING AND TALKING,

WHATEVER, WHATEVER AGE

THAT HAPPENS, I DON'T KNOW.

ANYWAY, I WAS WATCHING

THE LITTLE KID AND I ASKED HER

WHAT HER FAVORITE FOOD WAS.

I WAS TRYING TO MAKE

CONVERSATION.

WHAT DO YOU TALK TO THEM ABOUT?

AND I SAID, "WHAT'S YOUR

FAVORITE FOOD?"

AND SHE'S LIKE "UDAN NOODLES."

[LAUGHTER]

"TRY CHICKEN NUGGET, YOU LITTLE

FREAK, LIKE THE REST OF THE

COUNTRY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I CAN'T RELATE TO THAT.

IT'S WEIRD.

WHEN I WAS LITTLE, I DRANK OUT

OF A GARDEN HOSE, PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I USED TO GET LOCKED OUT OF

THE HOUSE ON SUNNY DAYS.

DID ANYBODY ELSE EVER GET THAT?

LOCKED CLEAR OUT.

MY MOTHER WOULD BE LIKE,

"PICK ONE.

IN OR OUT?

IN OR OUT?!"

AND I HAD THAT LITTLE KID A.D.D,

SO I COULD NEVER PICK ONE

QUICKLY.

I'D BE LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.

I SEE A RAIN CLOUD.

WHAT'S ON TV?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND IF YOU DIDN'T PICK QUICK,

MY MOM WOULD SHOW UP AND JUST

LOCK YOU OUT.

GOD FORBID, MY LITTLE SISTER

GOT CAUGHT UP ON THE "IN" AND

I'M ON THE "OUT."

WE'RE TALKING TO EACH OTHER

THROUGH THE GLASS LIKE WE'RE AT

A STATE PRISON.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE, "TELL MOM I'M THIRSTY."

[LAUGHTER]

"MAMA SAYS YOU PICKED 'OUT'.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TAKE IT FROM THE HOSE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]