John Oliver - Honorable Death

  • Season 1, Ep 2
  • 01/15/2010
  • Views: 17,388

For a British person to enter British Heaven, you basically have to die completely unnoticed. (1:35)

HISTORY CONTINUES TO RISEBACK UP AND BITE US IN THE FACE.

OH, THERE WAS A NEW STUDY DONEABOUT THE TITANIC RECENTLY,

AND THIS-THIS REPORT FOUND OUTTHAT MORE BRITISH PEOPLE DIED

PROPORTIONALLY THANAMERICAN PEOPLE ON THAT BOAT

BECAUSE THEY DISCOVEREDTHAT AT THAT POINT IN HISTORY,

BRITISH PEOPLEWERE MORE POLITE...

(laughter)

WHILE AMERICANS WERE,AND I QUOTE,

"MORE ASSERTIVE."

(laughter)

WELL--BUT DON'T FEEL GUILTY

WHEN YOU IMAGINE YOUR ANCESTORSELBOWING MINE OUT OF THE WAY.

YOU GAVE US A GIFT THAT DAY.

THAT IS AN HONORABLE DEATHFOR A BRITISH HUMAN BEING.

NOW FOR VIKINGSTO ENTER VALHALLA,

THEY HAD TO DIE HONORABLY,VIOLENTLY,

WITH A SWORD IN THEIR HAND.

FOR A BRITISH PERSONTO ENTER BRITISH HEAVEN--(laughter)

WHICH EXISTS--(laughter)

WHICH EXISTSIF YOU JUST BELIEVE.

(laughter)

FOR A BRITISH PERSONTO ENTER BRITISH HEAVEN,

YOU BASICALLY HAVE TO DIECOMPLETELY UNNOTICED

WITHOUT CAUSINGTOO MUCH OF A KERFUFFLE.

(laughter)

WHAT I'M SAYING IS THANK YOU,THANK YOU.(applause)

(chuckling)ALSO, THANK-THANK--THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

I WAS JOKING, BUT I APPRECIATEYOU APPLAUDING ANYWAY.

"GOOD, GOOD.

I WAS FEELING SLIGHTLY GUILTY.NOW I DON'T."

(laughter)

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