Louis C.K. - King of Pants

Butler, Behrendt, Louis C.K. Season 2, Ep 0205 05/26/1993 Views: 26,641

Louis C.K. reveals exactly what he would do if he had $3 billion. (2:25)

This the only city where youactually have to say things

like, hey, that's mine.

Don't pee on that.

[laughter]

-I'm trying to quit smoking.

I think I smoke too much.

I smoke in theshower, which I think

is one sign it's gettinga little outta hand.

[laughter]

-I used to drink a lot, too.

I quit drinking though.

Drinking is bad for you.

But you do learn alot from drinking.

One thing I learned is that ifyou ever go Christmas caroling,

you should go witha bunch of people.

[laughter]

-Somehow, when you goalone and drunk, it's

not taken the sameway, you know.

And it's also good togo around December.

I think that's reallythe best time to go.

[laughter]

-Somehow when you goin July and you're

outside yourex-girlfriend's house

naked with a bottle of bourbongoing, (YELLING) jingle bells,

you know, most people don'tthink of that as caroling.

[laughter]

-Lotta people ask mehow I quit drinking.

What I do is I sleep20 hours a day,

so I can't really drink at all.

I sleep so muchthat I think I've

had all the dreamsI could ever have.

I have no dreams left.

-You know what Idreamt the other night?

I dreamt that I wasstanding in front of a pole,

and that was it.

That was the wholedream for eight hours.

[laughter]

-Once I dreamt in Spanish.

I had this dream that I was,like, in a Sam Peckinpaw-type

Western with all theseguys with big mustaches.

And we're all, like, you know.

The thing is Ionly took, was it,

one year of Spanishin seventh grade.

So all the drama wasthere but we didn't really

have much to say to each other.

We just yell at each other,telling our-- what our-- color

our shirts are andstuff, you know.

[laughter]

-The-- the wholedream was, (SPANISH

ACCENT) tu camisa es verde.

[laughter]

-Donde esta libro?

Libro is en la mesa.

[makes shooting sounds]

[laughter]

[applause]

-Some people dreamabout having money.

Ross Perot has $3 billion.

That Is so much money.

What would you do withthat kind of money?

-You know what I would do?

I like to spendit all in one day.

Because you'd have a tremendousimpact on the world, you know.

Like, go to someplacelike Portland, Oregon

and buy all the pantsin the whole city.

And there'd be thiscrisis and you'd rule.

Go on TV the next day.

If you want pants,you'll come to me.

I am the king of pants.

El rey del pantalones.

[laughter]

-Good evening.

I'm Ted Koppel.

Today in Portland,there are no more pants.

A tyrannical despot has hadthe city in culottes for days.

[laughter]