Bruce Bruce - Driving with Donuts

  • Season 7 , Ep 3
  • 02/20/2003
  • Views: 29,081

Krispy Kreme donuts will make you wreck your car. (2:51)

YOU KNOW HOW IT IS WHEN YOU'RE

BIG.

I GOT A COUSIN LITTLE BIT BIGGER

THAN ME.

YEAH.

YEAH.

HE'S A BIG DUDE, Y'ALL,

FOR REAL.

HE WENT AND BOUGHT A 1999 FORD

ESCORT.

(LAUGHTER)

HE CAME TO MY HOUSE.

"LET'S GO GET SOMETHING TO EAT."

I SAID, "WHERE AM I GONNA SIT?"

HE SAID, "I'LL GET IN THE FRONT,

YOU GET IN THE BACK."

I SAID, "DAMNIT, LET'S RIDE."

WE'RE GOING DOWN THE STREET

CALLING LIKE IT'S FULL OF

PEOPLE.

EVERYBODY--

"MAN, LOOK AT ALL THEM PEOPLE

IN THAT CAR."

POLICE PULLED US OVER.

"ALL SIX OF Y'ALL GET OUT.

OH, I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT IT WAS

SIX PEOPLE.

DRIVE ON."

YOU EVER SEE SOMEBODY SO BIG

WHEN THEY EATING THEY BE

HUMMING?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

WHEN HE'S IN THE RESTAURANT,

HE LIKE--

♪ (HUMMING)

THEN HE GAVE OUT A BREATH.

♪ (HUMMING CONTINUES)

(HUMMING STOPS)

I SAY, "YOU ALL RIGHT?"

"YEAH."

HE BIG, TOO.

EVERY TIME HE THINK WE GONNA EAT

HE START DANCING.

WE'LL BE AT HOME, I'LL SAY,

"MAN, I'M GOING TO GET SOMETHING

TO EAT."

HE BE LIKE--

♪ (HUMMING)

(APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW YOU'RE BIG WHEN YOU

GO TO THE MALL, AND YOU SEE

SOMEBODY BIGGER THAN YOU,

YOU BE LIKE--

"MY GOD."

(LAUGHTER)

OR WHEN SOMEBODY--

OR YOU KNOW YOU'RE BIG WHEN

SOMEBODY BIG SAY, "DAMN."

(LAUGHTER)

"WHAT DID YOU EAT?"

BIG PEOPLE BE WALKING BY THE

FOOD COURT.

♪ (HUMMING)

STARING AT THE COOKIES.

♪ (HUMMING CONTINUES)

(APPLAUSE)

OH, MAN.

I LOVE TO EAT, THOUGH.

I WENT INTO A RESTAURANT DOWN

HERE TODAY.

THE COOK TOOK A DEEP BREATH.

(SIGHS)

"HEY, COME OUT THE BACK.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS

ONE RIGHT HERE, BUT I NEED SOME

HELP RIGHT HERE."

AND PEOPLE THAT GET MAD WITH US

QUIT CALLING US 'FAT BASTARDS'.

WE ALREADY KNOW THIS.

YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

THAT DON'T BOTHER US.

PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY THAT.

"YOU FAT BASTARD."

THAT DON'T BOTHER ME.

LADY CALLED ME THAT THE OTHER

DAY.

"YOU FAT BASTARD."

I DON'T--

(LAUGHTER)

YOU WANNA MAKE ME MAD, YOU TELL

ME POPEYE CHICKEN GOING OUTTA

BUSINESS.

I'LL SET THIS THEATER ON FIRE!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

A KRISPY KREME DONUT WILL MAKE

YOU WRECK YOUR CAR.

AM I LYING?

YOU COULD BE RIDING NORMAL.

♪ (HUMMING)

THAT HOT LIGHT COME ON.

(BREAKS SCREECHING)

YOU'RE LIKE, "GET ME SIX GLAZED.

GET ME SIX GLAZED."

THEN THE LADY SAY, "YOU COULD

GET SIX MORE FOR $1."

YOU BE LIKE--

"QUIT PLAYING.

NO, PUT úEM IN THERE!

PUT úEM IN THERE!

PUT úEM IN THERE!"

OH, MY GOD.

I COULD EAT A DOZEN, AND MY

TEETH WON'T EVEN TOUCH úEM.

YOU THINK I'M LYING, DON'T YOU?

I HAD A DOZEN IN THE CAR, LIKE--

"AHHH!

AHHH!"

MY LITTLE GIRL LIKE, "DADDY,

YOU NOT EVEN CHEWING THEM."

I SAID, "YOU DON'T SUPPOSED TO."

(LAUGHTER)

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