Nick Swardson - Online Gaming

Season 1 , Ep 101 10/11/09 Views: 106,671

Nick Swardson's intense video game sessions lead to an awkward situation in his apartment building. (3:52)

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AND THIS HAPPENED TO ME.THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

I'LL TELL A COUPLE TRUE STORIESHERE TONIGHT,

ALL OF 'EM 100% TRUE.

THIS HAPPENED TO ME--I THINK IT WAS IN THE FALL.

AND, UH, I PLAY A LOTOF ONLINE VIDEO GAMES

I DON'T KNOWIF ANYBODY ELSE PLAYS

LIKE XBOX LIVEOR ANYTHING?

[cheers and applause]

YEAH, GIRLFRIENDSLOVE THOSE, BY THE WAY.

I LOVE GIRLFRIEND FIGHTS,WHEN YOU'RE PLAYING XBOX

AND YOU CAN ALWAYS HEARTHE GUY...

"WHAT'S UP?I'M GONNA PLAY ONE MORE GAME.

"YEAH, JUST--JUST GO TO BED.

"YEAH, YOU CAN GO TO BED.I DON'T HAVE TO...BE THERE...

"YEAH, NO, WE'RE WINNINGRIGHT NOW.

"WE'VE WON LIKE--

"IS THAT A REAL GUN?OKAY, PUT THAT DOWN.

PUT THAT DOWN, PUT THAT DOWN!THAT'S NOT FUNNY."

BUT LIKE YOU GET INTO IT.

I MEAN, YOU GO ONTHESE BATTLES AND [bleep].

AND I GET LIKEWAY TOO INTO IT

WHERE IT'S LIKE...IT'S JUST NOT HEALTHY.

WHERE LIKE I THROW STUFF ANDJUST SHOUT IN MY LITTLE HEADSET.

YOU GET THIS LITTLE HEADSET.

AND YOU CAN PLAY ONLINE,

SO YOU CAN PLAY WITH PEOPLEALL OVER THE WORLD.

WHICH IS COOL,BUT IT'S LIKE FRUSTRATING.

'CAUSE YOU'LL JUST GETTHE [bleep] KICKED OUT OF YOU

BY, LIKE, SOME NINE-YEAR-OLDKID IN GERMANY.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE,[German accent] "YOU LOSE!"

I'M LIKE,"REALLY? REALLY?

"YOU [bleep] NAZI!

I WILL [mumbles]!"

JUST FREAK OUT.

BUT SO I DO.LIKE, I BREAK STUFF.

I GET SO INTO IT.

SO I LIVE IN AN UPSTAIRSAPARTMENT, IN LIKE A DUPLEX.

NOBODY LIVES BENEATH ME.

SO IT WAS EMPTYFOR THE LONGEST TIME.

SO I WOULD PLAY VIDEO GAMES,NO JOKE,

FROM LIKE 9:00,10:00 AT NIGHT

TO LIKE 6:00 IN THE MORNING.

I'D PLAY ALL NIGHT.

SO NOBODY LIVED BENEATH ME,AND SO IT WAS COOL.

SO ONE DAY,THIS GIRL MOVES IN.

♪ CHRISTINA IS HER NAME.

CUTE GIRL, SMALL,LIKE MOUSY.

LITTLE MOUSY CHICK.BUT VERY SWEET.

SO SHE MOVES IN.

I JUST KEEP DOINGWHAT I'M DOING,

PLAYING VIDEO GAMES,BREAKING STUFF,

DRUNK, ME AND MY FRIENDSYELLING.

SO ONE DAY, I GOTO MY MAILBOX TO GET MY MAIL

AND I SEE HER,AND SHE SEES ME.

I WALK OUT,AND SHE'S LIKE...

AND I'M LIKE,"WHAT'S GOING ON, CHRISTINA?

HOW ARE YA?"

AND SHE'S LIKE...

"FINE."

AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT'S WRONG?"

AND SHE GOES..."WHAT IS GOING ON UP THERE?"

AND I'M LIKE,"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

AND SHE GOES, "ALL THE YELLINGAND THE BREAKING THINGS...

JUST ALL NIGHT, SCREAMING."

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!"

I'M LIKE, "I'M SO SORRY!"

I'M LIKE, "ME AND MY FRIENDSPLAY ONLINE VIDEO GAMES."

AND SHE GOES, "WHAT?"

AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH, WE PLAY,LIKE, HALO AND STUFF,"

AND SHE'S LIKE...[exhales] "OH, THANK GOD."

AND I'M LIKE, "WHY?"

SWEAR TO GOD, SHE GOES,

"OH, THANK GOD.

I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE SHOOTINGHARD-CORE GAY PORNO."

[laughter, applause]

TRUE STORY.

[laughs]

AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT?"AND SHE GOES, "I DON'T KNOW.

SHE'S LIKE, "YOU COME HOME DRUNKAT LIKE 10:00 AT NIGHT.

"YOU AND YOUR FRIENDSGO UPSTAIRS,

"AND THEN TEN MINUTES LATERI'D HEAR,

'[bleep] MY [bleep] [bleep],BITCH!

'YEAH, [bleep] MY [bleep]![bleep] IT, [bleep]!

'YEAH, SUCK IT!

YEAH, TAKE THAT, BITCH,TAKE THAT, SUCK IT--'"

IT'S LIKE...

OH, BOY.

OH, BOY.

THAT MADE ME LAUGH.

BUT THEN IT ALSO MADE ME REALIZE

THAT I COULD NOW SHOOTHARD-CORE GAY PORNO AT MY HOUSE

IF I WANTED TO.

JUST TO LIKE MESS WITH HER,

ME AND MY FRIENDS WALK OUTSIDENAKED WITH BONERS.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?""WE'RE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES.

"WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?YOU'RE BEING A BAD NEIGHBOR.

IT GETS HOT.IT'S EXCITING."

[falsetto]"I'M SORRY."

[whispers]WHERE'S KELLY?

WE STILL HAVEN'T FOUND HER.

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