Carlos Mencia - U.S. Is the Best

  • Season 6 , Ep 10
  • 06/23/2002
  • Views: 10,901

America has got it all. (3:21)

CARLOS MENCIA>> I DON'T

UNDERSTAND WHY ANYBODY WOULD

EVEN ATTACK US.

I DON'T EVEN GET IT.

WHY DO YOU THINK IRAN HELPED US

OUT AFTER SEPTEMBER 11th?

DO YOU THINK THEY LIKE US?

GO TO THE INTERNET AND SEE

THE THINGS THAT WERE WRITTEN

FROM IRANIAN PEOPLE ABOUT US

ON SEPTEMBER 10th.

YOU'LL SEE SOME HANES STUFF.

AMERICAN INFIDEL, DYING POOL

OF BLOOD.

ALL THAT CRAZINESS.

BUT THEN SEPTEMBER 11th

OCCURRED, AND OUR PRESIDENT

CAME OUT, AND HE SPOKE LIKE

CLINT EASTWOOD IN THE END OF

UNFORGIVEN.

(LAUGHTER)

REMEMBER UNFORGIVEN?

AT THE END OF IT WHEN HE WAS

LIKE, "IF ANYBODY SHOOTS AT ME,

I WILL SHOOT YOU, I WILL HUNT

YOU DOWN, I WILL KILL YOUR

FRIENDS I WILL BURN YOUR BARN

DOWN."

THAT'S THE WAY HE CAME OUT.

HE WAS LIKE "WE WILL FIND YOU.

THOSE WHO HELPED, THOSE WHO

ABAIDED, THOSE WHO LOOKED

AT YOU, THOSE WHO EVEN KNOW."

AS SOON AS HE SAID THAT,

WE GOT A PHONE CALL FROM IRAN.

"WHAT CAN WE DO TO HELP YOU,

MY FRIENDS?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"WE WERE TALKING SMACK

YESTERDAY."

"YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE ANY OF THAT.

COME ON."

"WE TRIED TO TELL JOKE.

WE ARE NOT FUNNY PEOPLE.

WE APOLOGIZE."

(LAUGHTER)

DON'T YOU GET IT?

AMERICA HAS THE BEST OF

EVERY WORLD.

EVERY COUNTRY IS ALREADY HERE.

YOU DON'T--

DO YOU EVER HEAR OF ALIENS

GOING TO ANY OTHER COUNTRIES?

(LAUGHTER)

ALL THE BEST COME HERE.

THEY'RE HERE.

I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE--

PEOPLE ARE LIKE "MAN I HOPE

WE CAN WIN SOME WARS."

DO YOU REALIZE THAT ONE DAY WE

WERE GOING TO GO TO AFGHANISTAN

AND THEN THE NEXT DAY, BOOM,

WE WERE ALREADY THERE.

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

"I DON'T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED?

THEY DIDN'T EVEN LET US

CROSS THEIR BORDERS."

THAT'S 'CAUSE WE HAVE PEOPLE

IN THIS COUNTRY THAT KNOW HOW

TO CROSS BORDERS ILLEGALLY.

THAT'S US.

WE GO THE BEST.

WE'RE AWESOME.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

EVEN THE TALIBAN WAS LIKE

"WHERE IN THE HELL DID THEY GO?"

WE WERE BAD ASS.

THEY TURNED AROUND ALL THEIR

TANKS WERE UP ON BLOCKS.

"WHERE ARE MY TIRES?

WHERE DID MY TIRES GO?"

"CALL THE GENERAL ON THE RADIO.

THEY TOOK THE FREAKIN' RADIO."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

COME ON, FOLKS.

THIS IS AMERICA.

WE GOT PEOPLE THAT KNOW HOW TO

DO WHAT WE NEED IN OUR MILITARY.

A TANK IS MADE TO DRIVE.

AND SHOOT WITH A TURRET

THAT SPINS AT A 360 DEGREES.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

IT'S DRIVE BY.

"WE GOT RAY-RAY IN THERE.

HELL, YEAH.

PO-PO-PO, POW-POW-POW.

USA, BROTHER, USA."

(LAUGHTER)

WE'RE CRAZY.

WE GOT CRAZY WHITE PEOPLE

THAT'LL DO--

OH, MY GOD, WE HAVE AN ARMY.

WE'VE GOT A BEANER THAT WILL

STAB YOU.

WE GOT A BLACK GUY THAT WILL

SHOOT YOU.

AND WE GOT A CRAZY WHITE GUY

THAT WILL EAT YOU.

THAT'S AND ARMY, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

HE WILL EAT YOU.

"OH, YOU AIN'T TALKING NOW,

ARE YOU, BOY?"

"YOU AIN'T TALKING NOW,

ARE YOU, BOY?"

(LAUGHTER)

AND WE GOT THE ASIANS

IN RESERVES.

SETTLE DOWN, CROUCHING TIGER,

YOU'RE NEXT.

YOU'RE NEXT.

(LAUGHTER)

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