Pardon the Integration - Is the No-Fly List Racist?

June 27, 2016 - Joanna Coles 06/27/2016 Views: 921

Pundits Mike Yard and Rory Albanese face off in an argument about the federal no-fly list's disproportionate effects on Muslim travelers and other minority groups. (5:20)

Welcome back.

Now... in the wakeof the Orlando shooting,

there's a push in congressto ban those

on the Department of HomelandSecurity's no-fly list

from buying guns.

But the ACLU and news outletshave reminded us

that the no-fly list isa civil rights disaster

that disproportionately affectsArab Americans

without due process or recourse.

Now, does the no-fly list causemore problems than it solves?

We need to debate this,and since we're on cable,

the only way is to have peopletake polar-opposite positions

and argue over each other.

So without further ado,here's another installment

of Pardon the Integration.

-Grandmother?! Where's...Racism?! -(indistinct shouting)

-Yeah! Always... -My grouphas nothing to do with that!

(bell clangs)

All right, please welcome Nightly Show contributors

Mike Yard and Rory Albanese,everybody.

-(cheering, applause)-Hey, gentlemen.

Okay, tonight's topic:Is the no-fly list racist?

Mike will be against the no-flylist's unchecked racism,

and Rory will be in favorof profiling Muslims.

-Ready? -Let's do this. -I'mnot even remotely in favor of...

And... begin.

Of course the no-fly listis racist.

You know how I know?Because I have a list of my own

of white people I don't trust.

And believe me,that list is racist as hell.

Uh-huh. Who caresif it's racist, Mike?

So what if "hurt feelings"are the price we pay

for landing on a tarmac insteadof at the bottom of the ocean?

-How about that? -But thisis a government program

that keeps Americansfrom going anywhere!

We already have one,and it's a disaster!

-It's called public housing.-Here we go. -(audience jeering)

(whooping, applause)

Freedom of movementis a human right, Rory!

Mike, we needto keep Americans safe,

so drop the liberalKum-Bah-Yah bull (bleep)!

Kum-Bah-Yah? Oh, I'm-I'm black,so I talk African mumbo-jumbo?

Is that what it is?Huh? Is that what you're saying?

I'm saying the no-fly listis a necessary evil,

like prenups and... prenups.

I pay a lot in alimony!

Look, do you know... do you knowhow hard it is for a black man

to live in Americawithout being on a list, Rory?

Huh? This is straight-upracial profiling!

I bet the NYPD gave thatno-fly list five stars on Yelp!

So what, man?!

Quit pretending certain MuslimAmericans aren't a threat!

Look at the San Bernardinoshooters or the Atlanta shooter.

None of them wereeven on the no-fly list.

You want to be stuckin a middle seat

-between any of those people?-(bleep), no!

I don't want to be ina middle seat between anybody!

Really? Really, Mike?

Not even in an exit row?You are a liar!

-(bell clangs)-Okay, gentlemen, okay.

That noise meansit's time to switch seats

and arguethe opposite perspective.

(laughter)

Because remember, we're on cableand this is a mindless argument.

-(laughter)-I'm not doing it.

-What? -Nope. Every timeyou guys screw me over

and make me looklike a race trader.

-Not gonna do it.-Uh, Mike, stop it.

Look what I did.I had my lawyers draw up

this legal binding documentright here.

It's writtenby top lawyers-- Jews--

and they guaranteewe will not... it's a guarantee

we will not throw youunder the bus this time.

Take a l...peruse that bad boy.

(groans) I don't even have timeto read all of this!

It's okay, I read it, Mike.It's all legit.

-Thanks, Larry.-Mm-hmm.

Fine!

All right, let's do this.

Okay, great. Now, Rorywill be against the no-fly list,

and Mike will be in favorof stripping Muslim citizens

-of their rights and dignity,okay? -Sounds good. -What?!

Jesus Christ, no!

-Sounds good.-And... begin!

Fine! Because I have to.

Look, I guess a listdesigned to stop terror

is gonna havea few Muslim names on it.

It's not likethere's a lot of jihadists

-named Seamus O'Callahan.-Are you kidding me?!

Really, Mike? The Irish?

The IRA is, like, the O.G.of terrorist organizations.

-What?!-Irish car bombs,

the Kingsmill massacre, all ofthose Liam Neeson movies. Hello?

The point is, a personof any race, gender or religion

can be a terrorist, Mike.

-Why are we so focusedon Muslims? -All right, then,

well, let's be equal-opportunitysuspicious then.

'Cause it's also racistto treat all brown people

like they can do no wrong.

There are some brothersin my neighborhood

that should be on a list or two!

Oh, yeah? Well...I have no comment on that.

That's what I...

-Not an idiot. Not an idiot.-Look... look...

look, we still havea black president right now,

which shows everybodyin America has a chance

regardless of race, okay?

Even if you're Muslim!

Wait, did you just call Obamaa secret Muslim?

-'Cause I feel like that'swhat just happened. -What?!

-I feel...-No!

Whoa, Mike. Man!

-Why would you... -I mean,one black man to another,

-what the (bleep) wrong withyou, man? -Thank you, Larry.

-Thank you...-Hold up. No, no, no. I never...

-That's what I heard.-I never said that.

-Look, look...-I never said that.

this is somethingyou should understand, Mike.

People of color have it toughenough as it is in this country.

-Exactly. -Shockedthat you don't know that.

-I know!-Kind of weird. Call me crazy,

but I think everyoneshould be treated fairly,

-Yep. -especiallyour brothers and sisters

of the noble faith called Islam.

-That's right.-Am I right, audience?

-Come on! -(bell clangs)-(cheering, applause)

-Yeah! -I feel the same way!-Okay, wow!

-I think I'm right.-What a comeback!

The winner is Rory, becauseno one slanders the president

-Thank you. Thanks. -on my showand gets away with it.

-Wow. Wow.-Mm-hmm.

What the (bleep)?What about all this, Larry?

With the legal documents.I thought you said you read it.

I did. It's the termsand conditions for iTunes.

-It is. Yeah, Larry...-(laughter)

I... can't even believeyou actually read that.

I'm sorry, read what?

You know what?(bleep) all of y'all!

-That's fair, that's fair.-(bleep) all y'all.

This has beenanother pointless episode

of Pardon the Integration.

Mike Yard and Rory Albanese,everybody.

We'll be right back.