SO, I'M HOME.

AND I'M THINKING, OKAY,

I'M GONNA RUN THIS LITTLE MOM

AND POP STORE WITH MY MOTHER.

AND I'M GONNA TAKE MY EXPERIENCE

WITH BIG COMPANIES ON

WALL STREET.

AND I'M GONNA EXPAND IT AND

MAKE IT PROFITABLE.

AND OF COURSE, THE FIRST THING

I WANTED TO DO WITH ALL MY

MERGER AND ACQUISITION

EXPERIENCE WAS FIRE MY MOTHER

BECAUSE SHE'S A MOTHER.

SHE'S NUTS.

SHE'S 65-YEAR-OLD ITALIAN WOMAN

STUCK IN HER WAYS.

AND I REALLY THOUGHT I'M GONNA

COME IN AND WE'RE GONNA TAKE

THIS THING TO THE NEXT LEVEL.

NO!

YOU'RE ALWAYS A CHILD IN YOUR

PARENTS' EYES.

SHE GAVE ME NO RESPONSIBILITY.

SHE TREATED ME LIKE I WAS

12 AGAIN.

MY JOB WAS TO BE HER SERVANT,

HER CHAUFFEUR.

HUH?

TO DRIVE HER AROUND ON SUNDAY

NIGHTS TO TAKE HER GARBAGE

CANNING.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

MY MOTHER GOES THROUGH OTHER

PEOPLE'S TRASH, LOOKING FOR

"GOOD GARBAGE".

[LAUGHTER]

RADIOS, CLOCKS, STUFF THAT CAN

BE EASILY FIXED.

OH, YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH.

WHEN I WAS DRIVING HER HOME

ONE NIGHT SHE HAS ME PULL OVER.

SHE JUMPS OUT OF THE CAR AND

SHE MAKES A BEELINE FOR THIS

GARBAGE CAN WITH THESE

ALUMINUM-COOKING PANS ON TOP.

OKAY?

AND THEY'RE REALLY EXPENSIVE

PANS, AND-- OH, BY THE WAY,

SHE WEARS A HEARING AID.

BUT SHE'S TOO CHEAP TO BUY A

GOOD HEARING AID.

SO, IT'S THE KIND THAT WHISTLES

ALL THE TIME.

SO, YOU CAN NEVER HAVE A

COHERENT CONVERSATION WITH HER.

'CAUSE IT'S ALWAYS LIKE, "MA,

WE'RE GONNA GO TO THE STORE,

AND GET [WHISTLING SOUND]."

IT'S LIKE TALKING TO A TEA

KETTLE IN A HOUSEDRESS, OKAY?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO, GET THE IMAGE.

IT'S MIDNIGHT ON THE STREETS

OF RHODE ISLAND.

SHE'S IN A HOUSEDRESS, CURLERS,

HER HEARING AID HAS ATTRACTED

A PACK OF DOGS.

SHE'S HOLDING THESE PANS IN THE

MIDDLE OF THE STREET.

AND SHE ACTUALLY SAID TO ME,

QUOTE, "I CAN'T BELIEVE THESE

PEOPLE THREW THESE PANS OUT."

THEY'RE CRAZY."

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

THEY'RE CRAZY?

I GO FROM WALL STREET, MARBLE

OFFICES, MEGA DEALS.

I'M NOW LOOK OUT ON THE STREETS

OF RHODE ISLAND FOR

MRS. SANFORD AND SON.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT WAS JUST LITTLE THINGS

I WANTED TO DO.

LITTLE THINGS TO BRING THE

STORE TO THE NEXT LEVEL.

NOTHING MAJOR.

JUST TO EXPAND IT, TO UPDATE IT,

TO MODERNIZE IT, TO BRING IT

INTO THE 21st CENTURY.

WE'LL START SMALL, MA.

WE'LL GET A PHONE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN A FILING CABINET,

BECAUSE MY MOTHER DOESN'T USE

FILING CABINETS.

MMM, MMM, MMM.

SHE PUTS ALL OF HER BILLS

IN FILES, IN STYROFOAM COOLERS

BECAUSE THEY'RE LIGHTWEIGHT AND

EASY TO CARRY AROUND.

I SW-- SHE'S GOT LIKE A DOZEN

OF 'EM.

YEAH.

WHEN SHE GETS CALLED IN FOR

AN AUDIT, IT LOOKS LIKE SHE'S

GOING ON A PICNIC.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, AND IT DOESN'T STOP THERE.

SHE PUTS BATTERIES IN THE

REFRIGERATOR.

NOT JUST GOOD BATTERIES, LIKE

A LOT OF PEOPLE DO TO KEEP 'EM

FRESH.

NO, NO, NO.

OLD BATTERIES, DEAD BATTERIES.

SHE'S CRYOGENICALLY FREEZING

BATTERIES UNTIL SCIENCE COMES

UP WITH A CURE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT I CAN'T PUT MY BEER IN THE

REFRIGERATOR, CAUSE IT TAKES UP

TOO MUCH ROOM.

SO, YOU KNOW WHERE I HAVE TO PUT

THAT?

THE OVEN.

SHE DOESN'T USE HER OVEN.

AND SHE PUTS CHEESE IN THE CAR.

SHE KEEP-- I SWEAR, SHE PUTS A

BLOCK OF CHEDDAR CHEESE IN THE

GLOVE COMPARTMENT OF THE CAR,

IN CASE SHE GETS STUCK ON THE

SIDE OF THE ROAD, SHE HAS

SOMETHING TO CHEW ON.

DO YOU SEE WHAT I WAS DEALING

WITH UP THERE?

THE BILLS ARE IN THE COOLER.

THE BATTERIES ARE IN THE FRIG.

THE BEER'S IN THE OVEN.

THE CHEESE IS IN THE HONDA.

I'M IN A MENTAL INSTITUTION.

AND I'M FATHER'S IN THE GROUND

LAUGHING SO HARD HE SET OFF THE

CAR ALARM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]