Christopher Titus - September 11

Christopher Titus: The 5th Annual End of the World Tour Season 1, Ep 101 03/17/2007 Views: 10,013

Christopher Titus was watching CNN with his newborn daughter when the World Trade Center fell. (3:28)

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FROM THE HOSPITAL,

I GET UP EVERY MORNING AND TRY TEACHING HER YOU KNOW,

GET HER IN FRONT OFTHE TV AND TALK TO HER.NEVER BABY TALK, TOO.

PARENTS WHO TALK BABY TALK TO THEIR KIDS CRACK ME UP.

'CAUSE YOU'RE TEACHING YOUR CHILD A LANGUAGE NOBODY KNOWS.

SO WHEN IT'S FIVE,YOU'LL GO, AW, HOW COMEYOU'RE KID'S RETARDED?

[LAUGHTER]

- I TAUGHT HIM THAT. - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SO EVERY MORNING WE'D WATCH CNN.

HEY, BABE, LOOK AT THAT, IT'S WOLF BLITZER. UH-HUH.

AND THAT'S A TOUPEE. OH, LOOK, LADY NEWSCASTER,

SHE'S BLACK, ASIAN, LATINO AND A WOMAN.

NOW, THAT'S BECAUSE CORPORATE AMERICA

DOESN'T SEEM TO LIKE TO HIRE A LOT OF MINORITIES.

SO, INSTEAD THEY TRY TO HIRE ALL THEIR MINORITIES IN ONE.

MAYBE ONE DAY, YOU CAN CHANGE THAT. REMEMBER THIS PHRASE,

"I'M WHITEY AND I APOLOGIZE."OH, LOOK, AND THERE'S A BICYCLE.

YEAH. AND THAT, THAT'S A TROLLEY CAR.

YEAH. AND THAT'S AN AIRPLANE. YOU SEE THE AIRPLANE?

AND THAT'S THE WORLD TRADE CENTER. AND...

HOLY [BLEEP].

SEPTEMBER 11th,MY KID WAS 16 DAYS OLD. AND THAT MORNING

I'D GOT UP, I LET MY WIFE SLEEP, 5:00AM ON THE WEST COAST

AND I'M FEEDING HER A BOTTLE WATCHING TV WITH HER.

NEW DAD, TV SHOWS ON THE AIR,NEW BABY. YES!

THE WORLD ROCKS AND THE TOWERS FELL.

AND THE FIRST THING WENT THROUGH MY HEAD WAS MY DAD'S VOICE.

WELL, YOU BROUGHT ANEW LIFE INTO THE WORLDAND THE WORLD'S OVER,

NICE TIMING NUMB NUTS. AND I FREAKED. I JUMPED UP.

I'M SORRY, HONEY.

IT'S THE WORST TIMEIN THE WORLD TO BE BORN.

I APOLOGIZE. EVERYTHING WAS COOL,

LIKE, TWO WEEKS AGO, I SWEAR TO GOD.

'CAUSE, LADIES, I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING

ABOUT 9-11 FOR US MEN. FIRST OF ALL,

IT SUCKED FOR EVERYBODY. BUT FOR MEN, LADIES,

WE PROTECT YOU. IT'S OUR JOB. WE CAN'T STOP IT.

BUT I HAVE NEVER MET A MAN THAT CAN GO

"747 COMING. HA, I GOT IT." AND I DON'T WANT TO DIMINISH

WHAT YOU LADIES DO. I KNOW PUSHING OUT BABIES IS HARD.

BUT ON SEPTEMBER 11th, I PANICKED AND TRIED

- TO PUT ONE BACK. - [LAUGHTER]

MUCH HARDER. MY WIFE WAS PISSED.

I DON'T KNOW. AND THESE COUNTRIES THAT HATE US,

FOR SOME REASON, THE MORE WE BOMB THEM, THE MORE THEY HATE US.

PFLT! THAT'S 'CAUSE THEY DON'T GET "IT."

I THINK WE NEED A NEW PLAN.

NEXT TIME A COUNTRY WANTS TO TAKE US ON,

INSTEAD OF SENDING BOMBS RIGHT AWAY,

LET'S SEND EVERYBODY IN THAT COUNTRY A COLOR TELEVISION

AND A SATELLITE DISH AND GIVE THEM THE BASIC PACKAGE,

- NOT HBO. SCREW THOSE PEOPLE. - [LAUGHTER]

AND BEFORE THE WAR STARTS, WE MAKE THEM SIT DOWN AND WATCH

ESPN2 FOR 24 HOURS. BECAUSE IF YOU WATCH ESPN2 FOR 24 HOURS,

YOU WILL UNDERSTAND AMERICA A LOT BETTER.

HI, WE'RE AMERICA. WE BUILD MONSTER TRUCKS FOR FUN.

WE'VE DEVELOPED THE TOP FUEL DRAGSTERS

ZERO TO 330 MILES AN HOUR IN UNDER FIVE SECONDS

'CAUSE WELL, WE WERE BORED.

PISS US OFF AND SEE WHAT WE BUILD. [SINISTER CHUCKLE]

AND WE MAY FEEL BAD ABOUT IT LATER, ASK JAPAN.

BUT BEFORE WE FEEL BAD,WE'RE GONNA JACK YOU UP.

AND THEN WE'RE GONNA SEND YOU FOOD.

'CAUSE WE'RE AMERICA. WE'RE SCHIZOPHRENIC.

DON'T MESS WITH A NATIONTHAT NEEDS MEDICATION.

YES. YES.