Janeane Garofalo - 90210

Bob Odenkirk & Janeane Garofalo Season 1, Ep 0139 02/24/1992 Views: 4,885

Aaron Spelling is the devil. (3:32)

AND I SPELL COOL WITH A "K."

ALL RIGHT, SO...BECAUSE I'M A COMIC, WITH A "K."

ISN'T THAT CRAZY?

OKAY.

SO I JUST WANTTO START OFF WITH THIS

AND THEN WE'LL JUMP RIGHT IN

BUT PEDESTRIANS' RIGHTS,I GOT TO ADDRESS THIS ISSUE.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE ON THE FENCEI AM ABOUT THAT.

I SUPPOSE IF I'M WALKING,I'M ALL FOR IT

BUT IF I'M DRIVING

THAT'S A WHOLE 'NOTHERCAN OF WORMS RIGHT THERE.

BUT LET ME JUST SAYTHE FOLLOWING.

IF I DO HAVE TO GOAT A BREAKNECK PACE

TO GET HERE TO DO THIS SHOW

AND I HAVE TO STOP YET AGAINON MY ARDUOUS JOURNEY DOWN PICO

TO LET YOU CROSS

DON'T MILK IT, ALL RIGHT?

DON'T GIVE ME THAT FACE,DON'T MOSEY, DON'T AMBLE.

I WANT TO SEE SPARKS FLYINGOFF THOSE REEBOKS, ALL RIGHT?

THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS,I'D LOVE TO KILL YOU.

IT'S JUST...

I DON'T WANT PEOPLEBOYCOTTING MY ALBUM.

OKAY, SO...

BUT MY FANTASY IS,RIGHT BEFORE I DO TAKE YOU OUT

THE THING I WANTTO HEAR YOU SAY IS:

"THEY HAVE TO STOP..."

BOOM!

WHAT? CAN'T HEAR YOU.

( groaning )

AND AS PER USUAL, I GET PINNEDIN LATE AFTERNOON TRAFFIC

RIGHT BEHIND THE TOYOTA PICKUPOF MIGRANT WORKERS FACING ME.

ALWAYS.

AND I'M JUST NOTSELF-ACTUALIZED ENOUGH

TO HANDLE THAT GRACEFULLY.

IT'S JUST, LIKE, "OH, MAN!"

LET'S PLAY WITH THE FICTITIOUSTAPE DECK FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES.

IT'LL ALL GO AWAY.

IT'S AN UGLY THING.

SO ANYWAY, MY ONLY REGRET ISTHAT IT'S NOT 90210 NIGHT.

I JUST WISH...

BECAUSE UNTIL THURSDAY

IT'S ALL GRAY AREAAS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED.

AND I DON'T KNOWHOW I GOT SO LUCKY

TO GET 90210 AND MTV'S THE REAL WORLD BACK TO BACK.

I DON'T KNOW WHATGOOD THING I'VE DONE

TO DESERVE THAT, RIGHT IN A ROW,AND THEN...

I WATCH 90210AND I HAVE TO SAY THIS.

AARON SPELLING,GOD BLESS HIM-- BARUCH HASHEM--

IS THE DEVIL.

AND I'D SAY HE'S PROBABLYA VERY NICE GUY

BUT HE'S A RATINGS KING.

HE KNOWS FROM WHENCEHIS BREAD IS BUTTERED.

BUT STILL HE'S THE GODFATHEROF JIGGLE TELEVISION

AND I GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT.

SO THE THING IS,IS WHAT BOTHERS ME

IS HIS OWN DAUGHTER,LITTLE TORI...

LOVELY SIDEBURNS, BY THE WAY.

JUST PERFECT, PERFECT.

SHE'S JUST... SHE'S THE HEPPEST.

HER NECK IS NOT QUITEAS SLENDER AS LUKE'S

BUT SHE HAS THAT GOING.

SO, THE THING ISTHAT BOTHERS ME, OKAY

AARON SPELLING, HER DADDY

IS IN CHARGE OF THE WHOLEENCHILADA OVER THERE.

DO YOU SEE THE KIND OF SWEEPSWEEK ATTIRE HE ENCOURAGES

IN HIS OWN LITTLE DAUGHTER?

DID YOU SEE WHAT SHE WORE

AT THE CHRISTMAS TREEDECORATING PARTY?

LITTLE TARTAN HOT PANTS,NO TIGHTS.

TOTAL WEDGIE THE WHOLE TIME.

YOU KNOW WHY HER FATHERWANTS TO MAKE SURE?

SO THAT WHILE SHE'S HANGINGTHE STAR ON THE TREE

WE ENSURE THAT THERE'S LEGIONSOF 14-YEAR-OLD BOYS

WHACKING ITALL OVER THIS COUNTRY

AND THE RATINGS GOTHROUGH THE ROOF.

SEE? SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

I'M JUST SO THANKFUL

THAT IN MY DAY IT WAS WELCOME BACK, KOTTER.

THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO SAY.

( applause )

BECAUSE, UH...

THANK YOU.

IT'S NOT REALLY HARDTO KEEP UP WITH THE JONESES

WHEN THEY'RE WEARINGJORDACHE JEANS, CLOGS

BIG JUMBO COMB,VELOUR COWL NECK.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEEL THATBAD ABOUT YOURSELF, YOU KNOW?