Bob Odenkirk - Abe Lincoln: In My Own Words

Bob Odenkirk & Janeane Garofalo Season 1, Ep 0139 02/24/1992 Views: 4,073

Bob pays tribute to the 16th president, Abraham Lincoln. (3:11)

THIS IS NOT A GROWTH.

UM, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,I HAVE BEEN PREPARING

A HISTORIC ONE-MAN SHOW

TO TEACH THE KIDSABOUT, YOU KNOW

SOME OF THE POPULARFIGURES IN AMERICAN HISTORY

AND MY FIRST SHOW IS A TRIBUTE

TO THE 16th PRESIDENTOF THE UNITED STATES

ABRAHAM Q. LINCOLN.

NOW, BEFORE YOU FALL ASLEEPFROM BOREDOM

JUST THINKING ABOUT THAT

LET ME TELL YOU THATIT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

UNLIKE MOST ONE-MAN TRIBUTES

THAT ARE BASED ON THOROUGHRESEARCH OF OBSCURE TEXT

AND ONLY MAKE THE AUDIENCE

FEEL STUPID, CONFUSED AND ANGRY

MY ONE-MAN SHOW IS BASEDON COMMON KNOWLEDGE.

IT DEPICTS WHAT I THINK LINCOLNMIGHT HAVE THOUGHT AND SAID.

MOST OF MY RESEARCH WAS DONE

FROM READING THE BACKSOF PROMOTIONAL CUPS

AT FAMILY RESTAURANTS

AND MY SHOW IS CALLED"ABE LINCOLN IN MY OWN WORDS."

I'D LIKE TO SHOWSOME OF YOU NOW.

BY THE WAY, SAY GOOD-BYETO ME FOR A FEW MINUTES.

( in deep voice: )OH, HELLO!

HOW ARE YOU?

OH, YOU'RE SO PRETTY.

I HOPE YOU'RE A REPUBLICAN.

I'VE BEEN DEAD A LONG TIME.

I WAS BORN IN A LOG CABIN,MADE OF LOGS.

AS A BOY, THEY NICKNAMED ME"RAIL-SPLITTER"

BECAUSE I COULDSPLIT RAILS WITH MY HEAD.

ONCE I WALKED A LONG WAYTO RETURN A BOOK--

A BOOK I'D FOUND.

( scattered laughter )

16th PRESIDENTOF THE UNITED STATES.

OH, LUCKY DAY!

CONFOUND THIS CIVIL WAR.

IT'S ALMOST LIKE THE COUNTRY'SBEING TORN INTO TWO.

( laughter )

YOU KNOW, WHAT CHILDREN NEEDIS A FUN TOY TO PLAY WITH

SOMETHING THEY CAN BUILD WITH.

I'VE GOT IT-- LITTLE LOGS!

QUICKLY, MARY, HAND METHAT MIRROR AND A PENNY.

IT'S TRUE, I'VE LOST WEIGHT.

( laughter )

WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY?

MY PERSONAL SECRETARYIS NAMED KENNEDY?

WHAT A COINCIDENCE.

( scattered laughter )

CHILDREN, GATHER ROUND.

I'VE WRITTEN A POEM.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR IT?

"LINCOLN, LINCOLN,I'VE BEEN THINKING

"WHAT THE HECKHAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?

"IS IT WATER, IS IT WINE?

OH, MY GOD, IT'S TURPENTINE."

SCARY POEM.

WELL, I'M OFF TO THE THEATER.

I CERTAINLY HOPEI HAVE GOOD SEATS

AND I DON'T GET SHOTIN THE BACK OF THE HEAD

BY JOHN WILKES BOOTH.

( applause )

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.