John Oliver - This Is Our House

  • Season 3 , Ep 4
  • 08/10/2012
  • Views: 22,465

John Oliver feels that America needs a new kind of State of the Union address. (4:05)

15 trillion in debt,nearly 9% unemployment.

But you know what, New York?

Those are just facts.

That's all they are... facts.

And at its best, thiscountry has never been

about facts, huh?

It's been about belief.

It's been about looking at afact and saying...

"no."

I think we can do alittle better than that.

All my favorite moments inmovies come during American

sports movies at halftimewhen one team is getting

virtually annihilated.

They don't stand a chanceand their coach bursts into

the locker room with a fullorchestra somewhere behind him.

And he delivers a speech to lifttheir hearts and make them

believe that they cango out there and

achieve the impossible.

You've seen these speeches:Al Pacino, "Any Given Sunday,"

Denzel Washingtonin... that other one.

[LAUGHTER]

That's what America needsnow.

What America does not need isa succession of presidents

opening every State of theUnion address by saying

"the state of thisunion is strong."

I'm sorry, New York, butthat is objectively getting

less and less true.

If President Obama had theballs that he says he has,

he would have opened the lastState of the Union address by

bursting into Congress with asports drink in his hand,

before throwing it against theback wall and saying,

"what the [bleep] justhappened out there?!"

[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING]

"Are you [bleep] kidding me?!

"What was that?!

"Hey, Michigan! Michigan!

"You call that productivity?

"If you don't want to doanything during the day,

"why don't you move up toCanada?

"At least they'll giveyou free health care

"for doing [bleep]-all!"

"Hey, Wisconsin! You cannothave a cheese-based economy!

"It's never worked!"

"And you! Utah!

"What do you even do?

"You don't think theDominican Republic want

"your place on the flag?

"Earn that [bleep] star,Utah!

"Use it or lose it, Utah!Use it or lose it!

"Okay, okay, everyone.Take a knee, take a knee.

"Hands in, eyes on me.

"Now I know things look badout there.

"And there's a lot ofcountries watching us

"that think we're done.

"I don't know.

"Maybe they're right.Maybe we're finished.

"Maybe we should just give up.

"Just give that numberone spot to China.

"We could do that...or maybe...

[LAUGHTER]

"maybe we make themtake it from us!

"Take it from us with theirtiny hands!

"'Cause this is our house!

"This planet is our house!

"So let's get out there andlet's show the rest of

"the world why we stole thisland from the Native Americans!

"Let's do this! Let's[deleted] do this!"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

See, I truly believe you'reabout 60% laughing at that

and 40% hoping that itactually happens.

Maybe with less swearingbut you're not even sure

about that anymore.

We have a fantastic show foryou this evening.

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