Eddie Ifft - Arguing About the War

  • Season 13 , Ep 15
  • 01/11/2009
  • Views: 20,387

Non-Americans want to argue with Eddie about the war, but they can't, because he's a comedian. (2:38)

I'VE JUST GOTTEN BACK FROMTRAVELING ALL OVER THE WORLD,

AND IT'S REALLY FUN RIGHT NOWTO TRAVEL AND BE AN AMERICAN...

BECAUSE WE'RE REALLY POPULAR.

YEAH, I DON'T KNOWIF YOU KNOW THIS --

WE USED TO BE, LIKE,THE COOLEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

WE WERE THE COOLEST COUNTRY.

WE WERE LIKE FONZIE.

NOW WE'RE KIND OF LIKEHENRY WINKLER.

AND YOU TRAVEL, AND YOU GETYELLED AT FOR BEING AN AMERICAN.

THEY'RE LIKE,"OH, YOU'RE AN AMERICAN?

YOU STARTED THAT WAR."

AND I'M LIKE, "OH, YEAH.IT WAS ME.

I FORGOT. I MUST HAVE DONE THATRIGHT AFTER MY SUDOKU."

AND THEY THINK WE'RE DUMB, TOO,SO I ALWAYS PLAY IT UP.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT WAR?

"THERE'S A WAR GOING ON?

"THEY DON'T TELL US ABOUT THATIN AMERICA.

"DO YOU MEAN THE ONEWITH BRITNEY AND K-FED?

"'CAUSE THAT WAS CRAZY!

I DIDN'T KNOWWHO WAS GONNA GET THE BABIES!"

AND THE BEST PART IS,

THEY ALWAYS WANT TO ARGUEWITH ME ABOUT THE WAR.

THEY WANT TO HAVEA RATIONAL ARGUMENT.

YOU CAN'TBECAUSE I'M A COMEDIAN.

THEY'LL BE LIKE, "YOU KNOW

"AMERICAN ONLY WENT TO WAROVER THE OIL,

"'CAUSE THE OIL'S THE MOSTEXPENSIVE COMMODITY

IN THE WORLD."

AND I'M LIKE, "APPARENTLY,

YOU'VE NEVER BOUGHTPRINTER INK."

'CAUSE IF YOU'VE EVER BOUGHTAN INK CARTRIDGE OR TONER,

YOU KNOW, POUND FOR POUND,

THAT'S THE MOST EXPENSIVE STUFFIN THE WORLD.

SERIOUSLY,I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

I THINK IT MUST BE MADEOF THE BLOOD AND TEARS

OF YOUNG CAMBODIAN CHILDREN.

'CAUSE I'VE DONE THE RESEARCH.

PEOPLE BITCHABOUT THE PRICE OF OIL.

OIL COMES IN A BARREL --IN A BARREL!

IT'S $140 FOR A BARRELOF THE STUFF!

MY INK CARTRIDGE --

THIS BIG!

IT'S THIS BIG!

IT'S [LAUGHS]

IT'S $76!

MY PRINTER ONLY COST $40!

I'M A PACIFIST.

I DO NOT BELIEVE IN WAR.I REALLY DON'T.

BUT WHEN I CLICK "PRINT"ON MY MAC

AND THAT LITTLE BUBBLE POPS UP

AND GOES,"YOUR MAGENTA IS LOW..."

I DON'T KNOW WHAT MAGENTA IS,

BUT IT MAKES ME WANT TO BOMBTHE HELL OUT OF A COUNTRY.

I WILL TAKE OUTWOMEN AND CHILDREN.

THAT'S A WARI'M WILLING TO FIGHT.

I WILL FIGHT THAT WAR,

'CAUSE NOBODY WILL EVERPROTEST THAT WAR.

YOU'RE NEVER GONNA SEE PEOPLEWITH BIG SIGNS,

"NO WAR FOR TONER!"

'CAUSE THEY DON'T WANTTO PRINT THE SIGNS.

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