Randy Kagan - Earth

Season 4, Ep 0408 12/11/2009 Views: 2,266

Who would boo Earth? It doesn't matter where you're from. Earth rocks! Have you seen Mars? (2:16)

I know this is going tocreate an awkward pause,

but I wish I was black.

No, I know. But look at me.I got no flavor.

I'm not just a cracker.I'm a saltless cracker.

And it hurts.But I know it, you know?

I'm not one of these white dudes

that puts their haton backwards,

and they think they're black

when they just look like a whiteguy walking the wrong direction.

One thing we can all agree on?

Earth is the best planet.

Who would boo Earth?

It doesn't matterwhere you're from.

Earth rocks.

Have you seen our options?

Have you seen Mars? Listen.

I don't mean to be spacist,but Mars blows.

There is nothing up there.

Do you remember how excited NASAgot when they found ice on Mars?

I... Did you know we werespending a squillion dollars

looking for ice? I didn't know.I called them right away.

I said, "Listen,come over to my house.

"Open my freezer.You're gonna crap your pants.

"Yeah. What?What are you wearing?

This is awkward."

I don't know whywe're going to other planets.

I don't understandeverything here.

Like, how do birds migrate?

Or what the hell's nougat?

Does anybody know?

Somebody said it was a, like,mystery sugary spooge.

That's not an answer.

I think we should figure outnougat first, then bust a move.

I'm just...

I've given up recently on, uh...

I just decidedto date doughnuts.

I know it sounds weird, butit's a whole new thing for me.

It's really worked out for me.

A donut, to me, is everythingyou need in the world.

For a man... I mean, a dude...

Even you, dude.

You know, you havea rainbow on your shirt.

So your shirt's gay.

That shirt's gay,but you're not.

Right.Well, yeah, right.


That's okay, dude.Now, come on.

You guys loved (bleep)

Here's my point.


Don't... That you...

That they applaud.

(smatter of applause)

No, but I like doughnuts.

It's perfect for a man.

It fits in your handand it's little, it's sweet.

They're quiet, they listen,and it's got a hole.

Here's my point.

No, it's just a manand his doughnut.

None of that crap.

"Where were you last night?"

It's just a manand his doughnut.

"What are you doing?Where were you?

Did you smoke p...?"

"Listen, sweetheart,

there's 11 more in that boxbehind me.