Nick DiPaolo - Diversity

  • Season 11 , Ep 4
  • 01/18/2007
  • Views: 4,470

Nick doesn't like diversity. (2:22)

ONE OF MY FAVORITE ACTORS OF ALL TIME, CLAIMING

HE'S AN EX-SLAVE NOW. THIS GUY'S BEEN LIVING IN A

50-ROOM MANSION IN MALIBU FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS.

YEAH, YOU'RE A REGULAR FREDERICK DOUGLAS.

CLOSEST HE'S COME TO BEING A SLAVE

IS PICKING THE COTTON OUT OF AN ASPIRIN BOTTLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

I'VE BEEN CALLED A [BLEEP] MORE TIMES THAN DENZEL WASHINGTON.

I GUARANTEE IT.

I'M SERIOUS. I'M FROM BOSTON. I'M ITALIAN.

AS A KID, I GET VERY DARK IN THE SUMMERTIME.

FIRST DAY BACK TO SCHOOL, I GET IN LIKE TEN FISTFIGHTS.

ALL THE IRISH KIDS ARE CALLING ME "NICK THE [BLEEP]."

'COURSE IT DIDN'T HELP MY MOTHER SENDING ME TO SCHOOL

IN A PURPLE SUIT AND A FUR COAT, YOU KNOW.

I GOT A THERMOS FULL OF RIPPLE

AND A PACK OF NEW PORTS IN MY MALCOM X LUNCH BOX.

- AND, YOU KNOW... - [LAUGHTER]

BLACK PEOPLE-- I KNOW YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS.

IF WHITE PEOPLE TELL YOU THEY'VE NEVER USED THE "N" WORD

THEY'RE LYING TO YOUR FACE.EITHER THAT OR THEY'VE NEVER BET

- $1,000 IN AN NBA GAME. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH YEAH, COME ON, WHITE FOLKS. COME ON, WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.

DWAYNE WADE MISSES A 3-POINTER WITH 2 SECONDS LEFT.

WHAT, ARE YOU YELLING?"OH THAT DAMN AFRICAN-AMERICAN!"

- I DON'T THINK SO. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVEN MY 90 YEAR-OLD GRANDMOTHER'S LIKE

"THAT [BLEEP] [BLEEP] COST MY TEN LARGE.

THAT'S SON OF A BITCH,I'M GONNA BUST HIS ASS.

- ENNA-NA GATZA!" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"IT'S DIVERSITY. IT'S ALL GOOD, FOLKS. [CHUCKLES]"

[LAUGHTER]

MY FRIENDS ARE GOING, "NICK, HOW COME YOU DON'T LIKE DIVERSITY?"

"WELL, DIVERSITY'S THE REASONIT TAKES ME 20 MINUTES

TO GET A PACK OF GUM AT A DWAYNE WADE, THAT'S WHY.

- [WHINING NOISES] - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT BEHIND A LATINO LADY PLAYING THE LOTTERY LAST WEEK.

SHE WAS PLAYING HER KIDS' BIRTH DATES.

I WAS THERE FOR SIX AND-A-HALF HOURS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE HAD STRETCH MARKS ON HER ASS, HER ELBOWS, HER FOREARMS,

HER CHEEKS, HER HANDS. THREE BABIES IN A BOOK BAG,

TWO IN A CARDBOARD BOX, FOUR IN A STROLLER. JESUS.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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