ONE OF MY FAVORITE ACTORS OF ALL TIME, CLAIMING
HE'S AN EX-SLAVE NOW. THIS GUY'S BEEN LIVING IN A
50-ROOM MANSION IN MALIBU FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS.
YEAH, YOU'RE A REGULAR FREDERICK DOUGLAS.
CLOSEST HE'S COME TO BEING A SLAVE
IS PICKING THE COTTON OUT OF AN ASPIRIN BOTTLE.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
YEAH.
I'VE BEEN CALLED A [BLEEP] MORE TIMES THAN DENZEL WASHINGTON.
I GUARANTEE IT.
I'M SERIOUS. I'M FROM BOSTON. I'M ITALIAN.
AS A KID, I GET VERY DARK IN THE SUMMERTIME.
FIRST DAY BACK TO SCHOOL, I GET IN LIKE TEN FISTFIGHTS.
ALL THE IRISH KIDS ARE CALLING ME "NICK THE [BLEEP]."
'COURSE IT DIDN'T HELP MY MOTHER SENDING ME TO SCHOOL
IN A PURPLE SUIT AND A FUR COAT, YOU KNOW.
I GOT A THERMOS FULL OF RIPPLE
AND A PACK OF NEW PORTS IN MY MALCOM X LUNCH BOX.
- AND, YOU KNOW... - [LAUGHTER]
BLACK PEOPLE-- I KNOW YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS.
IF WHITE PEOPLE TELL YOU THEY'VE NEVER USED THE "N" WORD
THEY'RE LYING TO YOUR FACE.EITHER THAT OR THEY'VE NEVER BET
- $1,000 IN AN NBA GAME. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
OH YEAH, COME ON, WHITE FOLKS. COME ON, WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.
DWAYNE WADE MISSES A 3-POINTER WITH 2 SECONDS LEFT.
WHAT, ARE YOU YELLING?"OH THAT DAMN AFRICAN-AMERICAN!"
- I DON'T THINK SO. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
EVEN MY 90 YEAR-OLD GRANDMOTHER'S LIKE
"THAT [BLEEP] [BLEEP] COST MY TEN LARGE.
THAT'S SON OF A BITCH,I'M GONNA BUST HIS ASS.
- ENNA-NA GATZA!" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
"IT'S DIVERSITY. IT'S ALL GOOD, FOLKS. [CHUCKLES]"
[LAUGHTER]
MY FRIENDS ARE GOING, "NICK, HOW COME YOU DON'T LIKE DIVERSITY?"
"WELL, DIVERSITY'S THE REASONIT TAKES ME 20 MINUTES
TO GET A PACK OF GUM AT A DWAYNE WADE, THAT'S WHY.
- [WHINING NOISES] - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
I GOT BEHIND A LATINO LADY PLAYING THE LOTTERY LAST WEEK.
SHE WAS PLAYING HER KIDS' BIRTH DATES.
I WAS THERE FOR SIX AND-A-HALF HOURS.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
SHE HAD STRETCH MARKS ON HER ASS, HER ELBOWS, HER FOREARMS,
HER CHEEKS, HER HANDS. THREE BABIES IN A BOOK BAG,
TWO IN A CARDBOARD BOX, FOUR IN A STROLLER. JESUS.
[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]