Hari Kondabolu - Jesus Gives Direction

  • Season 15 , Ep 7
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 13,186

Hari Kondabolu becomes frustrated with a Christian woman's piss poor salesmanship. (3:23)

SO I WAS LIVING IN LONDON, UH,A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO.

AND, UH, ONE NIGHT, I WASHANGING OUT IN EAST LONDON,

AND ON A STREET CALLED LIVERPOOL STREET.

AND I WAS LOOKINGFOR BRICK LANE,

WHICH WAS RIGHT NEARLIVERPOOL STREET,

BUT I COULDN'T FIND IT--I WAS FRUSTRATED.

I KEPT GOING AROUNDIN CIRCLES, RIGHT?

AND I SEE THIS WOMANAND I ASK HER IF SHE KNEW

WHERE BRICK LANE WASAND SHE DIDN'T.

NOT A BIG DEAL--I STARTED WALKING AWAY

WHEN THIS WOMANGRABBED ME.

SHE LOOKED ME INTHE EYE AND SAID,

"EXCUSE ME,BUT I GO TO CHURCH,

"AND I BELIEVEIN JESUS CHRIST.

"AND I THINK YOU SHOULDBELIEVE IN JESUS, AS WELL."

DAMN!

HOW DID YOU GET FROM THISPART OF THE CONVERSATION

TO THAT PART OF THECONVERSATION SO QUICKLY.

IT'S LIKE SHETHOUGHT TO HERSELF,

"AHH, HE DOES NOT KNOWWHERE BRICK LANE IS.

"CLEARLY, HE IS LOST INALL ASPECTS OF HIS LIFE.

"I WILL HELP HIM!"

"JESUS-- UH, PERHAPS YOU'VEHEARD THE NAME BEFORE?"

"YEAH, PERHAPS--YES, THAT PR CAMPAIGN

"HAS BEEN QUITESUCCESSFUL, ALL RIGHT?

"THAT NAME HAS BEEN SPREADMOSTLY THROUGH WORD OF MOUTH,

"AND PAMPHLETS AND BULLETSWERE USED AT SOME POINT.

"I'M FAMILIAR WITHTHIS JESUS FELLOW.

"HE LOOKS LIKEBJORN BORG FOR NO REASON."

AND I WANTED TO ENDTHE CONVERSATION,

BUT I WANTED TO BEPOLITE ABOUT IT.

I SAID,"EXCUSE ME, MISS.

"UH, THANK YOU, VERY MUCH,BUT I'M A HINDU.

"I'M TAKEN.

"I, UH, I, UH,I HAVE A BOX TO CHECK."

[audience laughing]

AND IT DIDN'T MATTER--IT DIDN'T MATTER.

AND I KNOW IT DIDN'TMATTER, BECAUSE SHE SAID,

"IT DOESN'T MATTER.

"IT DOESN'T MATTERWHAT YOU ARE,

"OR WHO YOU ARE--JESUS LOVES YOU.

"JESUS LOVES ME,JESUS GIVES ME STRENGTH.

"JESUS GIVESME DIRECTION."

"OKAY, BUT THEN, CAN YOU ASKJESUS WHERE BRICK LANE IS?"

[audience laughing]

CAN'T FIND IT.

AND THIS CONFUSED HER'CAUSE IT WASN'T IN THE SCRIPT

SHE WAS READING IN HER HEAD,SO SHE WALKED AWAY.

AND I WAS FRUSTRATED-- ANDNOT BECAUSE SHE'S CHRISTIAN.

SHE HAS A RIGHTTO HER FAITH.

THAT'S NEVER MY ISSUE.

MY FRUSTRATION WAS WITHHER PISS POOR SALESMANSHIP,

YOU KNOW?

IT'S JUST BADSALESMANSHIP.

SHE HAD ONE OPTION.

"JESUS-- NO, WELL, UH,THEN HOW ABOUT JESUS, HUH?

"HAVE YOUTRIED CHRIST?"

"NO, THAT'S THE SAME GUY--DON'T, UH, DON'T RE-BRAND HIM.

"I KNOW WHOJESUS CHRIST IS."

I MEAN, UH, HINDUS AREN'TSUPPOSED TO CONVERT,

BUT IF WE WERE, AT LEAST, WE'DHAVE SOME OPTIONS, YOU KNOW?

AT LEAST, WE KNOW HOWTO SELL GOD, YOU KNOW?

"HEY, MAN, LET MEASK YOU A QUESTION?

"YOU LIKE ELEPHANTS?

"I GOT ELEPHANT GOD RIGHT HERE--GANESHA-- ELEPHANT GOD.

"CAN GET YOU THROUGHHARD TIMES, MAN.

"IT WILL GET YOUTHROUGH HARD--

"NO, NOT FOR YOU--THAT'S COOL.

"ELEPHANTS ARE SCARYFOR SOME PEOPLE.

"I GET IT--YOU LIKE MONKEYS?

"I GOT MONKEY GOD,RIGHT THERE.

"MONKEY GOD--MONKEY -- HANUMAN.

[audience applauding]

"HAS A TAIL--HE CAN FLY.

"NO, ALL RIGHT.

MAYBE-- ALL RIGHT--YOU LIKE THE COLOR BLUE?

"OH, GOOD--ALL RIGHT-- THREE FOR ONE.

"VISHNU, RAMA, KRISHNA--THAT'S THREE FOR ONE!

"THREE FOR ONE-- NO, ALLRIGHT-- OKAY, THAT'S FINE.

"UH, YOU LIKEWARRANTIES?

"YOU LIKE LIFETIMEWARRANTIES."

"REINCARNATION, THAT'SINFINITE, LIFETIMES WARRANTY.

"NO?

"HOW ABOUT SOME WEED?"

[audience laughing]

HA-HA--WEED WINS AGAIN!

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