Demetri Martin - Stuff on Guitar

Season 1 , Ep 101 01/13/07 Views: 58,945

Demetri Martin reveals why he gets excited when he sees babies and the true purpose of rainy weather. (3:43)

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[ HARMONICA PLAYS ]

I USED TO GET BUMMED OUT WHEN IT RAINED.

BUT THEN I REALIZED THAT'S GOD'S WAY OF WASHING OFF HIPPIES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ HARMONICA PLAYS ]

RAIN IS SHORT FOR "PATCHOULI NEUTRALIZER."

[ LAUGHTER ]

SOMETIMES, WHEN YOU LEARN THE MEANING OF A TERM,

IT CAN BE VERY DISAPPOINTING.

WHEN I WAS A KID,

WE WERE GOING TO MEET ONE OF MY MOM'S FRIENDS ONCE,

AND ON THE WAY, SHE DESCRIBED HIM TO ME AS A "CAT PERSON."

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE GOT THERE -- I WAS LIKE "WAIT A MINUTE, YOU JUST LIKE CATS?

"THAT'S A CAT-LIKER, MAN.

CAT PERSON'S A DIFFERENT STORY."

"WHY DOES STEPHEN NEVER GO IN THE POOL?

OH, HE'S A CAT PERSON. ALL RIGHT."

I THINK THEY SHOULD PUT PIES ON THE FRONTS OF TRAINS

SO THAT WHEN THEY HIT SOMETHING,

IT'S AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT FUNNY.

[ HARMONICA PLAYS ]

"HE'S DEAD, BUT...

"THERE'S A CREAM PIE RIGHT IN HIS FACE.

THIS IS A LITTLE BIT FUNNY, SERGEANT, I HAVE TO ADMIT."

I SAW A TRANSVESTITE WEARING A SHIRT THAT SAID, "GUESS."

I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET,AND THIS GUY WAVED TO ME.

THEN HE CAME UP TO ME

AND SAID, "I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE."

I SAID, "I AM."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I LOVE BIRTHDAYS.

YOU GET A CAKE FOR EVERY YEAR THAT YOU'RE ALIVE.

WHEN I SEE A NEW BABY,I'M LIKE, "YES...

"PLEASE SURVIVE...

AND LIKE CHOCOLATE."

CAKES ARE THE ONLY FOOD WE WRITE ON.

IT'S ALWAYS SO ENCOURAGING, LIKE, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LEO."

"CONGRATULATIONS, ERIC."

I FEEL LIKE WE'RE MISSING AN OPPORTUNITY.

I'M TALKING ABOUT NEGATIVE CAKES.

"SURPRISE, YOU'RE ADOPTED!"

'CAUSE THAT'S WHEN YOU WANT CAKE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I LOVE WOMEN, BUT YOU CAN'T ALWAYS TRUST THEM.

'CAUSE SOME OF THEM ARE LIARS.

LIKE THIS GIRL I MET IN THE PARK.

SHE WAS WALKING HER DOG,AND SHE WAS CUTE,

SO I STARTED TO TALK TO HER.

SHE TOLD ME HER DOG'S NAME.

I SAID, "DOES HE BITE?"

SHE SAID, "NO."

I SAID, "OH, YEAH? THEN HOW DOES HE EAT?"

LIAR.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M IN A WEIRD SITUATION, 'CAUSE I LIKE RAINBOWS,

BUT I'M NOT GAY.

SO I'LL WEAR A RAINBOW ON MY SHIRT,

BUT THEN UNDER IT,I GOT TO PUT, "NOT GAY."

BUT I'M NOT AGAINST GAY PEOPLE,

SO THEN, UNDER THAT, I GOT TO PUT, "BUT SUPPORTIVE."

I JUST THINK IT'S WEIRD THAT ONE GROUP TOOK REFRACTED LIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S PRETTY GREEDY, GAYS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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