Demetri Martin - Anti-Aging Cream

Demetri Martin: Standup Comedian 09/29/2012 Views: 39,544

When Demetri Martin has a baby, he doesn't want the child to ever look a day over zero. (2:20)

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[strumming guitarand playing harmonica]

- Cool. I think that's in tuneenough for comedy.

[guitar playing]

When I have a baby,

I want to put anti-aging creamon it right away.

People would be like,"Your baby looks amazing.

Is that a fetus?"

I'll say,"No, it's the cream.

We're getting a startreally early."

"Well, it's working. He doesn'tlook a day over zero."

"Thank you."

I think telemarketerwould be a hard job.

You can't call out sick.

"Hey, it's me.I can't work today."

"Well, you called me."

"[bleep]."

I saw rice milkin the store.

I didn't even knowrice had nipples.

Squeezethose little rice titties.

♪ Rice titties

♪ Rice titties

I never wentbungee jumping.

The closest I didwas I was born.

[harmonica playing]

I wonder if it's rudefor a deaf person

to talk with foodin their hands.

"Dude, put downthat cheeseburger.

That's disgusting."

I think it's coolwhen an ex-girlfriend

becomesand XL-girlfriend.

[harmonica playing]

They probablydon't get a lot of work done

at the bubble wrap factory.

"Separate but equal"is terrible for education,