- The other day somebodywas talking about immigration
on the news, okay?
That's good.Talk about it.
But it's always on the Rightor on the Left, right?
So right nowI'm in a legal battle
with oneof the news networks, right?
I'm gonna tell you a story,
but I can't tell youwhat news network it is.
Legally I can't tell you.
What I can tell you is
it starts with a "C,"
and it ends with an "N."
See, you know some of youwere like, "C-SPAN, C-SPAN.
Bet you it was C-SPAN."
So here's what it is.
They call you from thesenews networks, right?
And then they say,"Hey, what side are you on?"
Like, what do you meanwhat side am I on?
And then theythrow things at you,
and you end uphaving to defend things
that you don't believe inbecause you chose a side
as opposed to talkingabout a subject.
So, in December, they called meup from this news network,
and they're like, "Hey, Carlos,uh, we're doing a panel.
"We're gonna talk about thethings that occurred in 2010,
and we'd love for youto be a part of it."
I said, "I would love to!What are we gonna talk about?"
And that's when the guygot all weird on me.
He's like, "Oh, before we getinto the subject matter,
I want to know--what's your angle?"
And I'm like,"Uh, erect."
"No. Where are youcoming from?"
"My house.Are these the questions?
'Cause I'm gonna kick assin this interview!"
And he goes,
"All right, let me clarify.
Are you a Democrator a Republican?"
"I'm neither.""Well, why not?"
"Because I'm kind of smart, andI don't enjoy being half wrong
all the fuckin' time."
[cheers and applause]
Why don't youjust have the balls
to ask me what youreally want to ask me,
which is, am I a liberalor a conservative?
And he goes, "Well, are youa liberal or conservative?"
And I said, "Yes."
See? See?Look at some of you.
"You're still confusing me!"
Well, what are wetalking about?
I am a liberal,and I am a conservative.
Are we talkingabout my daughter?
'Cause if we're talkingabout my daughter,
I'm a staunch conservativethat believes
in staunch conservativeJudeo-Christian
biblical-basedBible Belt values.
But when it comesto your daughter, I'm a liberal.