One of my favorite things
is when people bragabout what they would do
in a hypothetical situationthat will never happen.
Uh, I was at a bar,and this guy was talking to me.
And he said to me, he goes,
"Man, you know what, man?
If I ever met the president,wouldn't even shake his hand."
Wow, that is pretty badass.
How are you goingto meet the president?
Is he going to do like, uh,whistlestop tour
on the Coors LightSilver Bullet Train?
Maybe give youthe Congressional Medal
of having your own pool cue.
They're very prestigious.
It's like,"Man, you know what, man?"
"If I ever playedthe Harlem Globetrotters,
I'd focus on the fundamentals."
"Box him out!Hit your free throws!"
I saw they came out with a newversion of Huckleberry Finn,
the book where they,
they take outall of the "N" words
and replace itwith the word "slave."
So, now, Huck's friend will beknown as Slave Jim in the book.
Uh, why not just call him Jim?
That seems like...
"Hey, Jim, how's it going?"
"Ah, pretty good.Win some, lose some."
"How are you?""I'm all right. See ya, Jim."
Seems like an easier fix to me.
Uh, I guess, but they saidthey changed this
so they can start teaching itin schools again.
I don't knowwhat that's teaching children.
Now they're going togo home and be like,
"Grandpa, that's racist. You'resuppose to call them slaves."
I was at, I saw, um,
I was at the bookstoreand I saw they have, uh,
they have all theJason Bourne novels there.
You guys have seen that,seen the movie, right?
I've seen the movie.The movies are fun.
I've never readone of the books.
I have to imaginethat the movies
aren't faithful adaptationsof the books.
Because I'm not surehow 80% fights and chases
would, uh, read, you know?
If you, get the, it's like,
"And then, Jason Bournepicked up a book
"and hit the guy in the headwith the book.
"And then he started putting itagainst the guy's face
"and started punching the book.
"But then the guy picked upa knife and that way...
Now, they're in the bathroom.Uh..."
"That guy picked up a knife
"and then Jason Bournepicked up a towel.
"Is he fighting backagainst a knife with a towel?
"Did the governmenttrain Jason Bourne
"to fight back againsta knife with a towel?
"That's what he's stilltrying to find out.
"'Where's Bourne?!Get me Bourne!'
"said the guy in the roomwhere everybody's typing.
"Now Jason Bourneis on a motorcycle.
And he just popped thiscrazy wheelie. Look out!"
Books are for nerds.
Fellas, a word to the wise:
if you're going to buy a bookon how to pick up chicks,
just please,check the copyright date.
You don't want to wind up likeme, lean against a lamppost
flipping a quarter all night.
Call them dames, smackin' them.
They don't care for thatanymore. Uh...