Demetri Martin - Fog Machine

Demetri Martin: Standup Comedian 09/29/2012 Views: 35,788

Demetri Martin would like to know how fog got associated with partying. (2:19)

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I know a girl who's a tease,but she's not cute enough forthat.

So she's an "annoy."

At the battle of the bands,the loser's always the audience.

[harmonica playing]

I lost my fog machine

'cause I left it runningfor too long.

I don't know how foggot associated with partying.

"This weather isway too dangerous to drive in.

You guys want to dance?"

I can move objects with my mindif I use my hands.

I want to fill a piñatawith actual animal guts.

That's what I calla surprise party, kids.

[harmonica playing]

I said to my friend,"Hey,

can I ask youa trick question?"

He said, "No."I said, "Too late, bitch."

I've met peoplewho are passive-aggressive,

but I never met anyonewho was aggressive-passive.

"I don't want tacos!Maybe."

[harmonica playing]

Most stick peopleare black.

When I was in high school,these twins got mono.

They got stereo.

I'm a man of my word,and that word is "unreliable."

When I take photos,I count to five.

'Cause that's when peoplestart getting real.

At one, they're like,"I'm gonna be in a photo.

I got a face idea.Okay, here it comes."

At two, "here it is."At three...

At four,"What's going on?"

At five, "What the fu--?"Snap.

[harmonica playing][applause]