Jim Norton - Watching "Hoarders"

Jim Norton: Please Be Offended Season 1, Ep 0101 04/20/2013 Views: 14,788

Jim Norton proposes a new opening for every episode of the reality show "Hoarders." (2:11)

AND DON'T GET ME WRONG.I VALUE MY PRIVACY AS MUCH AS

ANY PERSON IN THE ROOM,BUT WE'RE A NOSY COUNTRY.

WHY DON'T WE JUST ADMIT HOW NOSYWE ARE?

I'LL BE INTERESTED IN HEARINGPEOPLE TALK ABOUT PRIVACY

WHEN THERE'S AN ACCIDENTIN THE SOUTHBOUND LANE, AND THE

NORTHBOUND LANE MAINTAINS65 MILES AN HOUR.

THEN I WILL BELIEVE PEOPLE WHENTHEY SAY THEY VALUE PRIVACY.

UNTIL THEN, WE ARE A COUNTRYOF MORBID [bleep] BUCKETS WHO

LIKE TO WATCH OTHER PEOPLE'SLIVES GO INTO THE TOILET,

SO LET'S SHUT THE [bleep] UP.

[cheers and applause]ANY EXCUSE TO SAY MORBID

[bleep] BUCKETS.

BUT LOOK AT THE TV WE WATCH.

LIKE, WE WATCH STUFF--IT'S ALL INVADING OTHER PEOPLE'S

LIVES.

HOARDERS IS A POPULAR SHOW.

WE WATCH A SHOW ABOUT PEOPLEWITH MESSY HOUSES.

LIKE, THEY'RE THE WORST PEOPLEON EARTH.

YOU'D NEVER TALK TO THEMIN REAL LIFE--

AND LOOK, I'M NOT JUDGING.

I WATCH THOSE SHOWS,AND I CAN'T GET THROUGH MORE

THAN 20 SECONDS WITHOUT GOING,"JUST THROW IT OUT!

IT'S SHIT!"THEY ARE THE MOST SELFISH,

HATEABLE PEOPLE ON THE PLANET.

"EH, I JUST GOT TO PUT MYLITTLE THING, MY THING.

ME, ME.

I CAN'T CLEAN UP.

EPSTEIN-BARR FIBROMYALGIA.

ME, ME."

YUCK!

AND DON'T YOU HATE THE WAYTHE THERAPISTS CODDLE THEM?

"NOW, WHY DO YOU THINK YOU'VEBEEN SAVING BOTTLE CAPS

SINCE 1982?""BECAUSE MY MOTHER

YELLED AT ME.

ME, ME."

OH, CLEAN THE HOUSE,YOU [bleep].

YOU HAVE CAT SHITIN THE FREEZER.

EVERY HOARDERS EPISODE SHOULDSTART WITH THEM GOING TO THE

MALL AND END WITH THEM GOINGHOME, SAYING, "WHY ARE THERE

FIRE TRUCKS IN FRONTOF MY HOUSE?"

THEN YOU MAKE 'EM STAND THEREAND WATCH THEIR [bleep] HOUSE

BURN, AND WHATEVER THEY CAN RUNIN AND GRAB, THEY CAN KEEP.