We are live--that is live live--
happening now, live,in Cleveland
with the RepublicanNational Convention.
Now, earlier tonight,before Donald Trump
accepted his party's nomination,delegates viewed a short film
about Trump's life, workand overall fantasticness.
And, uh, realizingthat you may have missed
this important information,we bring it to you now,
um, just slightly editedfor clarity.
ROSIE O'DONNELL: America, are these things happening to you?
REPORTER: Yet another shooting in yet another American city...
REPORTER 2: The Taliban, al-Qaeda, now ISIS on the rise.
REPORTER 3: Really not a controlled situation...
REPORTER 4: ...reach a boiling point...
REPORTER 5: Racial tensions are high...
MAN: The country is a mess.
O'DONNELL: But Americans have always known
how to clean up a mess.
There was the New Deal.
The Fair Deal.
And now it's time for something much better.
I will give you everything.
I will give youwhat you've been looking
for 30, 40, 50 years.
This is the story of our next president...
I know about deal-making.That's what I do.
...and the deal he can get for America.
Donald Trump and the Very, Very Incredible Deal.
Donald Trump was born on Flag Day 1946,
nine months after America's nuking of the Japanese Asians.
Some say the radiation gave Fetal Trump
his Godzilla-sized business acumen
and his Godzilla-sized head-to-hand ratio.
In school, young Donald showed great promise as a negotiator,
settling a dispute with his music teacher
by punching him in the face.
High school was at New York Military Academy,
where Trump naturally stood out
and gained the training he would need in Vietnam.
If he ever went to Vietnam,
which he didn't,
due to a sudden tragic diagnosis of heel spurs,
a condition so debilitating it spread to his brain.
No, Donald would wage his war on a different front.
Now, getting back to dating,right?
-You've never gotten a socialdisease? -It is a dangerous...
It-it is a dangerous worldout there.
-STERN: It is.-TRUMP: It's scary.
It's like Vietnam,sort of like.
It is your personal Vietnam,isn't it?
-It is my personal Vietnam.-It is, you've said that
-many times.-I feel like a great
and very brave soldier.
O'DONNELL: Someone should pin a Purple Heart
on that orange dick.
After business school,
and starting with almost nothing...
My father gave me a small loanof a million dollars.
...he launched a career in real estate
becoming the first Trump to do so
in almost one generation.
Few saw value in 1970's Manhattan,
which at the time was less a city
and more a floating porn and murder barge.
But something about this morally bankrupt smutscape
spoke to Trump,
and so he started making deals.
Turning a town of rundown eyesores
into the home of the country's classiest eyesores.
After defeating New York, it was on to Atlantic City,
where Donald mastered the local game, bigly.
Building hotels in prime locations,
sneaking cash to himself,
all while maintaining a golden reputation.
Oh, sure, he hit a small financial rough spot,
but using only gumption, and lawyers,
Trump quickly rose all the way from bankruptcy,
-(explosion) -to another bankruptcy,
to two more bankruptcies.
But along the way, Donald Trump would discover
the business he was truly meant for:
Brandy, you're fired.
He seemed to have it all.
and no beliefs to slow him down.
But Trump wouldn't be satisfied
until he could close one final very incredible deal.
In Washington D.C. sat a once great property,
driven into the ground by foreign management.
Everyone thought so.
Trump's next move was inevitable.
I am officially running...
(applause and cheering)
...for Presidentof the United States.
And we are going to makeour country great again.
He would find obstacles along the way.
former wedding guests,
and dishonest media,
unfairly bent on destroying him
by reporting actual things he said.
You've called women you don'tlike "fat pigs,
dogs, slobs,and disgusting animals."
Only Rosie O'Donnell.
O'DONNELL: Okay, you (bleep) piece of (bleep).
I'm going to take your insides and rip them
out of your (bleep) body.
You goddamn human slug.
I swear to Christ, I will step on you.
I will f... okay.
But America's deal maker
would overcome the haters and the losers
with a time-honored real estate strategy:
re-branding his flaws as selling points.
Donald Trump isn't widely loathed,
people are just...
They're jealous as hell.
Hey, he never went bankrupt.
I'm the king of debt.I love debt.
He wasn't an opportunistically
racist, misogynist, xenophobe corrupting
America's long tradition of at least aspiring
to just, like, basic human decency.
I tell it like it is.I tell the truth.
-I mean ro...-Our country needs that.
Our country does... need that.
And now, for a limited time, it can get it.
From the best-selling author...
I wrote The Art of the Deal.
...and the visionary behind Trump Steaks...
Believe me, I understand steaks.
It's my favorite food.
...comes America's chance
to get in on a radical, one-time opportunity--
the Trump presidency.
He'll make America great as only he can.
From construction projects...
TRUMP: I will build a great, great wall.
O'DONNELL: ...to personnel management...
TRUMP: A total and complete shutdown
of Muslims entering the United States.
O'DONNELL: ...to the clear, specific policies
that the Donald Trump deal is all about.
We're gonna do lotsof good things with education.
Replace Obamacarewith something so much better.
The greatest trade dealsanyone's ever made.
O'DONNELL: So, walk, run,
weirdly descend an escalator, because
the very, very incredible deal is a limited time offer.
Because later is too late.
Going to be too latefor our country.
O'DONNELL: The very, very incredible deal.
Don't worry about it.You're gonna be very happy.