Andrew Kennedy - Food Monster

  • Season 11 , Ep 3
  • 01/18/2007
  • Views: 11,573

Andrew threatens his kids with the food monster. (2:28)

BECAUSE-- JUST THE MESS,THE HORRIFIC AFTERMATH.

WHEN YOU GO IN WITH KIDS THERE'S FOOD ON THE TABLE.

THERE'S FOOD UNDERNEATH THE TABLE,

ON OTHER PEOPLE'S PLATES. "OH YEAH, I'M SO SORRY.

"YOU KNOW I KNOW YOU DIDN'T ORDER CHICKEN NUGGETS,

"I WAS--BUT HE JUST THROWS 'EM,

"IAN LIKES TO THROW CHICKEN--HE USED TO THROW ROCKS.

SO THAT'S BETTER, ISN'T IT?" IAN'S ALWAYS THROWING STUFF.

"STOP THROWING CHICKEN NUGGETS IAN, OKAY? OR THE FOOD MONSTER'S

GONNA GET YOU," THAT'S HOW I GET HIM TO STOP.

THE FOOD MONSTER, REMEMBER THE FOOD MONSTER?"

I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,

BUT I MADE UP THE FOOD MONSTER, "STOP IT."

AND AIDAN, FOUR-YEAR-OLD AIDAN,

WANTS TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING HE SEES,

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE DOES. SO HE LOOKS OVER,

AND HE'S NOTICED THE MORBIDLY OBESE WOMAN AT THE END TABLE.

AND THAT'S WHATHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT.

HEY DADDY, DADDY, LOOK AT THAT LADY, DADDY.

AND I'D SEEN HER WHEN WE WALKED IN, RIGHT, BUT I DID WHAT WE ALL DO,

WHICH IS, YOU TAKE IT IN, AND YOU LET IT GO,

YOU NEVER GO BACK THERE AGAIN. THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

YEAH AIDAN, YEAH I SEE HER. THAT'S NICE, EAT YOUR FOOD.

IAN, STOP THROWING THE CHICKEN NUGGETS, OKAY,

REMEMBER? NO DADDY,THAT LADY'S REALLY FAT.

HE WON'T STOP. HE WON'T LET IT GO.

AND HE'S GETTING LOUDER EVERY TIME,

'CAUSE I'M NOT GIVING HIM THE REACTION THAT HE'S LOOKING FOR.

AND I DON'T WANNA MAKE A SCENE AND I JUST WANT HIM TO STOP.

YOU KNOW, YEAH, SHE'S A LITTLE LARGE.

THAT'S VERY NICE, YOU KNOW, IAN, PLEASE STOP

WITH THE CHICKEN NUGGETS. I-- THAT'S GREAT.

AND NOW THE PEOPLE AROUND US ARE CRINGING

'CAUSE THEY CAN HEAR HIM. SHE CAN'T, BUT THEY'RE

CHOKING ON THEIR FOOD 'CAUSE-- AND THEY'RE LOOKIN' AT ME LIKE,

"PLEASE, STOP HIM FROM LETTING HER HEAR HIM.

HE'S A CUTE KID, YOU JUST GOTTA STOP HIM."

AND HE'S LIKE DADDY, "NO DADDY, THAT LADY IS FAT."

FINALLY I SNAPPED, "YES, SHE'S ENORMOUS, I GET IT, SHE'S BIG!

"AND LOOK, SHE'S OKAY WITH IT. LOOK WHAT SHE ORDERED.

LOOK WHAT SHE ORDERED, AIDAN!"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"TWO BURGERS, A ROOT BEER FLOAT AND ALL THE FRIES, HOT OR COLD.

"WHO ORDERS ALL THE FRIES? YOU KNOW WHAT,

"SHE IS THE FOOD MONSTER, THAT'S-- IAN,

STOP THROWING CHICKEN NUGGETS, SHE'S GONNA GET YOU."

AND MY WIFE'S STANDING UP, "CHECK PLEASE. CHECK--"

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

Loading...