This is uncle Artie talkinghere, alright?
The magazine Rolling Stone
used to be the coolest[bleep] magazine ever.
It used to have Jimi Hendrixon the cover playing guitar,
Keith Richards,like, smoking a joint,
The Blues Brothersin blue faces.
It was fantastic.
In the last four years,
Justin Bieber's been on thecover [bleep] twice, all right?
On the cover of Rolling Stone, all right?
- But the first time he was on,he was 18 years old.
And this wasthe worst time ever.
Here's what it said.
It had a pictureof Justin Bieber's face,
and here's what it saidon the cover of Rolling Stone
underneath his annoying[bleep] face.
It said, "Justin Bieber...
hot, ready, legal."
My God, "legal"?Who is counting--
Who's marking this offon their [bleep] calendar?
Is that the creepiest thingyou've ever heard?
Who's Rolling Stone's demographic these days--
I hate Justin Bieber.
Here's how muchI hate Justin Bieber.
I would help Jerry Sandusky.
I would help him breakout of prison for just a day.
Call it, like, a work furloughor something.
All he'd have to agree to doon national television
would be to mouth-[bleep]Justin Bieber
for, like, two hours.
Get Jay Z or Nasto kidnap Justin Bieber.
Bring him to a basementin Brooklyn.
Duct-tape him to a chair.
And then have Sanduskycome out from behind a wall
with that creepy [bleep] voice,
just grab himby that bouffant hair,
and for just two hours,just, like, "Oh, Justin."
"You are hot.
And here's the one turnoff,you're legal."
"Scream all you want.
My wife's gonna pretendnot to hear any of this."
[cheers and applause]