Hannibal Buress - Believe in Yourself

Hannibal Buress: Animal Furnace Season 1, Ep 101 05/20/2012 Views: 17,130

After revealing why he never puts his napkin in his lap, Hannibal Buress encourages everyone else to follow his lead. (2:16)

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OVER THE PAST YEAR, SO, UH--

PEOPLE LOVE TO TELL YOUWHEN YOU'VE GAINED WEIGHT.

THEY GIVE YOU NO ADVICEAFTERWARD.

"HEY, YOU GOT FAT.

ALL RIGHT, SEE YOU LATER."AND THAT'S--

THAT'S IT.

THE WEIRDEST PEOPLE IN MY LIFETALK TO ME ABOUT MY WEIGHT.

MY GRANDMOTHER--"HANNIBAL,YOU'VE GAINED WEIGHT."

"WHAT DOES THIS MEAN, GRANDMA?WE CAN'T [bleep] ANYMORE?

"AND WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO MEABOUT MY WEIGHT?

YOU'RE MY GRANDMOTHER."

"HANNIBAL,YOU GAINING WEIGHT."

"YEAH, YOUR TITTIESARE REALLY SAGGING, GRANDMA.

"WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUTEACH OTHER'S BODIES RIGHT NOW?

"I DON'T KNOWWHAT YOUR MOTIVATION WAS.

I WAS JUST BEING DEFENSIVE."

[laughter]

I DO EAT AT RESTAURANTSA BUNCH.

WHENEVER I EATAT A RESTAURANT,

I NEVER PUT THE NAPKININ MY LAP.

I NEVER PUTTHE NAPKIN IN MY LAP.

AND PEOPLE SAY,"HANNIBAL, WHY DON'T YOU PUT

THE NAPKIN IN YOUR LAP?"

BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN MYSELF.

I BELIEVE IN MY ABILITYTO NOT SPILL FOOD IN MY PANTS,

'CAUSE I'M A GODDAMN ADULT,

AND I HAVE MASTERED THE ARTOF GETTING FOOD FROM MY PLATE

TO MY MOUTHWITHOUT MESSING UP MY JEANS.

YOU NEED TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF,TOO, AND GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER.

THAT'S FOR BABIES.

HAVE SOME CONFIDENCEIN YOUR EATING ABILITIES

AND HAND-EYE COORDINATION.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

LIKE ONE OF THOSEWEIRD-ASS CLOTHING STORES

THAT ONLY HAVE SIX SHIRTSIN 'EM.

SO MANY QUESTIONS--HOW MUCH DO THESE SHIRTS COST?

HOW LONG HAVE Y'ALL BEEN HERE?WHY IS THERE A DJ?

YOU EVER BEEN IN A STORE--

"HEY, CAN I CHECK OUTTHIS SHIRT?"

"NAH, I'M SPINNING RIGHT NOW."

I WANT TO--

[laughter]

I LOVE APPLE JUICE.

IT'S MY FAVORITEOF THE JUICES.

UH, ONE DAY,ME AND MY GIRLFRIEND

GO TO THE GROCERY STORE.

MOTT'S FRESH-PRESSED NATURALAPPLE JUICE,

$1.79 FOR A HALF GALLON.

THAT'S A GREAT SALE.WE GET EIGHT BOTTLES.

EIGHT BOTTLES IS ALLWE HAVE ON THE BELT.

IN FRONT OF US IS AN OLD MANLOOKING BACK, SHAKING HIS HEAD.

"NO, NOPE, NAH."

"NO, WHAT'S WRONG, OLD MAN?

"YOU MAD 'CAUSE WE HAVEALL THIS APPLE JUICE?

"YOU CAN GO GET SOME TOO.IT'S OVER THERE IN AISLE FOUR.

"BUT IF NOT,STOP JUDGING US.

"HELL, YEAH, WE ARE HOARDINGAPPLE JUICE,

"TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THIS SALEBEFORE THIS STORE REALIZES

"WHAT A HORRIBLE MISTAKETHEY'VE MADE.

"AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

"WE'RE BACK HERE HAPPYWITH OUR APPLE JUICE,

"AND YOU UP THERE LONELYWITH YOUR CHILI AND YOUR BEANS,

YOU LONELYCHILI-AND-BEANS-EATIN' OLD MAN."