- MONTREAL? DID YOU LIKE IT? - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - REALLY?
IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN THERE, IT'S IN QUEBEC.
IT'S A FRENCH PROVINCE OF CANADA, SO IT'S REAL EUROPY.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO GLAD TO BE BACK IN AMERICA,
WHERE PEOPLE SPEAK SPANISH. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THAT GETS REAL OLD REAL FAST.
YOU EVER BEEN AROUND A LOT OF FRENCH PEOPLE BEFORE? IT'S A REAL MUSHY LANGUAGE.
SOUNDS LIKE EVERYBODY WANTS TO KISS YOU AND STUFF.
AND THE THING IS IT THROWS YOU OFF,
'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN FRANCE. YOU'RE IN NORTH AMERICA.
SO, THE PEOPLE LOOK LIKE US. LIKE, THEY DRESS ALL AMERICAN.
LIKE, THERE'S BROTHER'S UP THERE ALL THUGGED OUT.
- BUT THEY SPEAK FRENCH. - [LAUGHTER]
THOSE ARE THE DUDES YOU'RE AFRAID OF HERE BUT...
[BLEEP] HIM, HE SPEAKS FRENCH. LIKE, HOW TOUGH CAN YOU BE,
YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE THEY'RE TRYING TO SWELL UP ON YOU
AT A RESTAURANT OR SOMETHING. "THIS A POTA-JE A LA BEAU."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
"WHATEVER, PIERRE DOG. I DON'T WANNA HEAR THAT CRAP.
"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU SCARING? I JUST CAME FROM L.A., YO.
"I'LL PUNCH YOUIN THE [BLEEP] AND RUN.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT? WHO'S TOUGH NOW? ME."
[LAUGHTER]
- WENT TO MISSOURI.- WOO!
- [BLEEP] MISSOURI. - [LAUGHTER]
I GOT A SPEEDING TICKET FOR $130. THAT'S A BUNCH OF CRAP.
RENT'S NOT $130 IN MISSOURI. ALL RIGHT? THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
AND THE WORST THING ISYOU EVER GET PULLED OVERDRIVING OUT OF STATE
AND THE COP GETS ALL EXCITED 'CAUSE IT'S HIS CHANCE TO [BLEEP] WITH YOU.
HE SEES I GOT A CALIFORNIA LICENSE.
HE'S LIKE, "OH, WE--LL, MR. CIVILIZATION.
WHAT SEEMS TO BE YOUR HURRY?"
"I'M TRYING TO GET THE [BLEEP] OUT OF MISSOURI, DUDE.
"I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE LOOKED AT THE STATE LATELY.
"IT SUCKS, ALL RIGHT? THERE'S JUST COLD AND COWS AND STUFF.
"I'M TRYING TO GET UP TO 88 MILES AN HOUR,
"SO I CANGET BACK TO 1985, BITCH.
OR IS THAT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON 'CAUSE THIS SUCKS."
[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]
TRAVELING'S THE WORST. I WENT TO TEXAS.
WHY ARE BUGS SO FRIGGIN' BIG IN TEXAS? HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
IT'S LIKE A GODZILLA MOVIE. IT'S RIDICULOUS.
LIKE YOU EVER SEE A ROACH THAT'S SO BIG,
YOU'RE AFRAID TO STEP ON 'EM?'CAUSE WHAT IF I'M NOT
HEAVY ENOUGH, REALLY, YOU KNOW?
I WAS IN EL PASO.I WENT IN THE BATHROOM.
I TURNED ON THE LIGHT.I WAS LIKE, "OH, SORRY,
"I DIDN'T KNOW SOMEBODY WAS IN HERE.
"WELL, I'LL GO OUTSIDE AND YOU FINISH UP, ALL RIGHT?
"IS THAT A MUSTACHE? THAT'S BIG. ALL RIGHT. THAT'S GREAT."