Ben Bailey - No Spring

CC Presents: Ben Bailey Season 10, Ep 18 04/21/2006 Views: 10,688

Springs in New York are perfect for a half a hole of golf. (2:21)

HATE THE COLD IN NEW YORK. GETS SO COLD HERE IN THE WINTER

THAT YOU CANNOT TELLWHO IS HOMELESS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVERYBODY LOOKS HOMELESS IN THE WINTER.

EVERYBODY'S GOT FIVE HATS ON,FOUR PAIRS OF MITTENS,

THREE SCARVES, TWO JACKETS, A HOODED SWEATSHIRT.

STAGGERIN' AROUND THE CITY WITH SNOT FROZEN TO THEIR FACE.

JUST LIKE, "AUGH!IT'S FREEZIN' OUT HERE!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE BEEN GIVING MONEY TO EVERYBODY I SEE.

JUST WALKING DOWN THE STREET LIKE, "OH MY GOD.

"THIS HOMELESS PROBLEM IS OUT OF CONTROL!

"DAMN YOU, BLOOMBERG." THAT'S THE MAYOR, BY THE WAY.

THERE'S THE GUY IN THE BACK, "WHO'S THIS BLOOMBERG FELLA?

AND HOW COME HE'S GETTIN' BLAMED FOR THE WEATHER?!"

[LAUGHTER]

SO IT'S WINTER IN NEW YORK.

THERE'S NEVER GOOD WEATHER IN NEW YORK. IT'S NEVER GOOD.

IT'S ALWAYS EITHER TOO HOT OR TOO COLD TO GO OUTSIDE.

THE BEST SEASONS ARE SPRING AND FALL

- AND THEY DON'T ACTUALLY EXIST. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THERE'S NO SPRING IN NEW YORK.

HERE'S MY IMPRESSION OF SPRING IN NEW YORK CITY.

"JEEZ IT'S COLD. OH, THIS IS NICE.

- [BLEEP] IT'S HOT." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SOMETIMES SPRING IS LIKE A HALF-HOUR ON A THURSDAY AFTERNOON.

AND BY DINNERTIME IT'S 190, 4,000% HUMIDITY.

EVERYBODY'S NAKED AND SITTING TOTALLY STILL.

[LAUGHTER]

"DID YOU ENJOY THE SPRING?

IT WAS RIGHT AFTER LUNCH.

[LAUGHTER]

"HELL, YEAH. I PLAYED HALF A HOLE OF GOLF.

"CAN'T WAIT 'TIL THE FALL COMES AROUND

AND WE'LL GO OUT AND THROW THE FOOTBALL...ONCE.

"THEN I'M GONNA RUN BACK INSIDEBEFORE I FREEZE TO DEATH.

"I'M NOT EVEN GO GET IT.

I'M JUST GONNA THROW IT AND RUN RIGHT BACK IN THE HOUSE."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]