Nick Swardson - My Funeral

  • Season 10 , Ep 14
  • 04/06/2006
  • Views: 14,917

A funeral should be a good time. (2:14)

ABOUT DYING, THOUGH.

I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE.

I'M NOT TRYING TO BE TOUGH

LIKE...

(DEEP VOICE) "I'M NOT AFRAID TO

DIE."

BUT I'M ACTUALLY LOOKING FORWARD

TO MY FUNERAL, WHICH SOUNDS KIND

OF WEIRD.

I JUST LIKE TO HAVE FUN,

YOU KNOW?

AND I'M GONNA HAVE FUN WITH MY

FUNERAL.

'CAUSE I THINK YOU SHOULD.

IT'S YOUR LAST PARTY ON EARTH.

I THINK YOU SHOULD, LIKE,

SPICE IT UP.

I HAVE A COUPLE OF THINGS I'M

GONNA DO.

THE FIRST THING I'M GONNA DO FOR

MY FUNERAL, I'M GONNA HAVE,

LIKE, A CHUNK OF MONEY AND SEND

IT OFF TO SOME RANDOM CELEBRITY

AND HAVE THEM SHOW UP AT MY

FUNERAL.

LIKE SAVE UP, LIKE, 5 GRAND JUST

FOR THIS.

HERE'S 5 GRAND.

MAIL IT OFF TO SOME CELEBRITY

LIKE-- LIKE JOHN STAMOS FROM

"FULL HOUSE."

(LAUGHTER)

JUST TOTALLY RANDOM.

UNCLE JESSIE.

DO YOU REMEMBER UNCLE JESSIE ON

"FULL HOUSE"?

HE'S LIKE, "HEY."

LIKE THE COOL GUY.

"HERE'S 5 GRAND.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO KEEP THE

MONEY, JUST FLY TO MY FUNERAL

AND SHOW UP.

CRY AND LEAVE.

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO DO.

JUST SHOW UP, CRY.

THAT'S IT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO

ANYBODY OR ANYTHING."

I JUST THINK IT WOULD BE GREAT

TO SEE MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY AT

THE FUNERAL.

"OH, MY GOD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S DAD, MAN.

HE'S DEAD.

IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT, MAN.

IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT."

(LAUGHTER)

"HEY, IS THAT JOHN STAMOS?"

(LAUGHTER)

"WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?

DID NICK KNOW JOHN STAMOS?

OH, MY GOD.

HE'S REALLY CRYING.

WERE THEY BROTHERS?

WAS NICK'S LAST NAME STAMOS?"

AND THE OTHER THING I'M GONNA DO

AT MY FUNERAL IS I'M GONNA HAVE

A CLOSED CASKET, LIKE, IN THE

CHURCH.

AND IT'S GONNA BE CLOSED SO

PEOPLE WILL THINK THAT MY BODY

WILL BE IN THERE.

BUT IT WON'T BE.

(LAUGHTER)

MY BODY WILL COME DOWN ON WIRES.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'LL JUST COME DOWN.

JUST HANG DOWN.

AND IT'LL HIT THE LIGHTS OUT AND

HIT IT WITH THE STROBE LIGHT AND

THEN TECHNO MUSIC.

(IMITATING MUSIC)

JUST SWINGING OUT OVER MY

FAMILY.

I CAN JUST SEE MY MOM LIKE,

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

WHAT KIND OF STUFF WAS NICK

INVOLVED IN?

OH, MY GOD."

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