Larry Miller - Levels One and Two

Larry Miller & Ellen DeGeneres Season 1, Ep 0131 02/24/1992 Views: 2,579

At level two of drinking, a little devil appears on your shoulder. (2:26)

I THINK I'D BE REMISS IF IDIDN'T HAVE AT LEAST ONE THOUGHT

ABOUT OUR CURRENTPOLITICAL SCENE.

YOU KNOW THE ONE.

( laughter )

MOST DISTURBING TO MEIS OUR PRUDISHNESS.

WHEN DID WE BECOME SO SILLY

ABOUT "WELL, YOU CAN'T DRINK,NO GAMBLING, NO SEX."

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN THERE?

I'LL BE HONEST

I DON'T WANT A CLEAN-LIVING GUYIN THE WHITE HOUSE

WITH HIS FINGER ON THE BUTTON.

HE THINKS HE'S GOINGRIGHT TO HEAVEN.

( laughter )

YOU WANT TO FEEL SAFEWITH A LEADER?

GIVE ME A GUY WHO FIGHTS IN BARSAND CHEATS ON HIS WIFE.

THIS IS A MAN WHO WANTSTO PUT OFF JUDGMENT DAY

AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.

OF COURSE, I KNOWI SHOULDN'T KID ABOUT DRINKING.

THAT'S PRETTY DANGEROUS.

SOME OF YOU KNOW THAT TONIGHT.

A FRIEND OF MINE HAD

A LITTLE TOO MUCHTO DRINK THE OTHER NIGHT.

OKAY, IT WAS ME.

( laughter )

WHY DO WE DO IT--

JUST PISTOL-WHIP OURSELVESWITH LIQUOR?

THERE ARE FIVE LEVELSOF DRINKING.

SIX IF YOU LIVEIN A TRAILER PARK.

( laughter )

BUT NEVER MIND THAT NOW.

WE WILL DEAL WITH FIVE,AND SEE IF THESE LOOK FAMILIAR.

LEVEL ONE.

LET'S SAY IT'S 11:00ON A WEEKNIGHT.

YOU HAD A FEW BEERS.

YOU GET UP TO LEAVE BECAUSEYOU HAVE WORK THE NEXT DAY

WHEN ONE OF YOUR FRIENDSBUYS ANOTHER ROUND.

ONE OF YOUR UNEMPLOYED FRIENDS.

BUT SEE, HERE AT LEVEL ONEYOU'D THINK TO YOURSELF

"OH, COME ON, NOW.

"WHY, LONG AS I GETSEVEN HOURS' SLEEP

I'M COOL."

LEVEL TWO, MIDNIGHT.

HAD A FEW MORE BEERS.

YOU JUST SPENT 20 MINUTESARGUING AGAINST ARTIFICIAL TURF.

( laughter )

YOU GET UP TO LEAVE AGAIN

BUT AT LEVEL TWO, A LITTLE DEVILAPPEARS ON YOUR SHOULDER...

( pops his lips )

AND NOW YOU'RE THINKING

"HEY, HEY, I'M OUTWITH MY FRIENDS."

( laughter )

"WHAT AM I WORKING FORANYWAY, HUH?

"THESE ARE THE GOOD TIMES.

"BESIDES, LONG AS I GETFIVE HOURS' SLEEP..."

I'M COOL."