I masturbate a lot.
And I'm getting lazy.
When I finish,I don't clean up with a towel.
I'll let it dry and flake away.
(laughter and groaning)
Reminds me of Christmas.
I like this side of the room.Nothing? Really?
Come on, black people.We get along.
I saw Rush Hour.
(laughterand scattered applause)
It's all right.
People can be racist.They don't mean to be.
I had a photo shoot.
Photographer was white.
He kept saying, "Bobby,
can we get more expressionin your eyes?"
I'm, like, "What the hell?!"
"There's only two things I do--open and close.
"This is happy, sad, angry,all that stuff.
Take the picturebefore I close them."
Thank you very much.
My dad's Korean.
Korean dads are the worst.
They're so honest.
There's no filter.
Whatever pops in their brain,they say.
It's, like, "Good morning, Dad."
"You look ugly today.
"You don't look good.
"Are you dying?
You look like crap!"
I would bring girls overin high school.
He would tell them storiesabout me, secrets.
Like dark stuff.
"Hey, Dad, this is Stephanie."
"When Bobby was a little kid,
"he ate a dog poopin the front lawn.
"I said, 'Don't eat that.'
He said,'I only had one piece.'"
"Have fun on your date!"
"Thanks, you (bleep)."
He still does it today.
"Hey, Dad, this is Cindy."
"When we lived in Minnesota,
"Bobby was molestedby a retarded guy.
"I thought, how'd he getmolested by a retard?
"I don't know.
"Maybe Bobby's retarded, too.
He has a big head for his body,you know."
He grew upduring the Korean War, yeah.
I grew up in San Diego.
So he beats mein every argument.
When I was a little kid,I'd come home, be, like,
"Dad, my friend Billy--he just fell off his skateboard.
"He broke his ankle.
Now he can't skateboardanymore."
My dad would be, like,"Oh, yeah?
"My friend Han Lee,
"during the Korean War--
"his head blew up!
Now he can't comb his hair."
We didn't have a Christmas treegrowing up.
When I was 12 years old,I asked my dad
for a Christmas tree.
This is what my dad said.
"Bobby, look outside."
I'm, like, "All right."
"What do you see?"
"A bunch of trees."
My dad's been here for 40 years.
He knows six words in English.
I got sober six years ago.
Please clap. Please.You can clap for that.
You clap for that.(applause and cheering)
I'm not afraid!
My turn. Stop!
My dad triedto help me get sober, man.
I didn't knowwhat he was talking about.
He goes,"You have to stop drinking."
I go, "What do I do, Dad?"
He goes, "Aah."
That's all he said.
I'm, like,"What did you say, Dad?"
"See, I don't knowwhat you mean."
"You know, they have group,they have meeting."
"You're trying to say A.A.?"
He goes, "Yeah, aah."
"Dad, if your car breaks down,who do you call?"
He goes, "Aaaah."
Thank you very much, everybody.