Dana Gould - Break-Up

Dana Gould & Judy Gold Season 1, Ep 0123 02/24/1992 Views: 2,530

Dana went shopping after his girlfriend broke up with him. (3:21)

UM... FOR THE PAST FOUR YEARS

I'VE BEEN LIVINGWITH THIS WOMAN.

WE'LL CALL HER "ANN."

( laughter )

AND LAST YEAR,JUST BEFORE THANKSGIVING

SHE MOVED OUT AND WE BROKE UP

AND MY FIRST REACTION,REALLY, TYPICALLY, WAS "FINE.

"I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THISTOO MANY TIMES.

"I CAN'T CHANGE YOUR MIND,I CAN'T LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR YOU

"YOU'RE GONE IN YOUR DIRECTION,I'M GOING IN MINE.

"I'M NOT GOINGTO LIVE IN THE PAST.

I'M NOT GOINGTO EMBRACE THE PAIN."

I FELT THAT WAYFOR AN HOUR AND TEN MINUTES

AND THEN-- VROOM--IT WAS LIKE A ROLLER COASTER.

"EVERYTHING WILL BE...

( screaming: )FINE!"

AND THEN...SO THAT HAPPENED, YOU KNOW

WANDERING AROUND MY APARTMENTWITH A BLACK HOOD AND A CANDLE.

( growling )

( laughter )

JUST BEFORE CHRISTMAS

THERE'S A MESSAGEON MY ANSWERING MACHINE:

( as Ann: )"HI, IT'S ME.

"JUST... CALLING TO WISH YOUA MERRY CHRISTMAS

AND I'LL... TALK TO YOUAFTER THE HOLIDAY."

( beep )

( laughter )

WELL, THAT'S NICE.

I MEAN, IT'S NICETHAT YOU CAN HAVE A RELATIONSHIP

AND IT CAN FALL APART

AND YOU CAN STILL STAY IN TOUCHAND NOT BECOME OBSESSED.

( clears throat )

I'M NOT GOINGTO ERASE IT RIGHT AWAY.

( laughter )

I WON'T PLAY IT ALL THE TIME.

IF I HAPPEN TO BENEAR THE MACHINE...

( beep )

"HI, IT'S ME.

"JUST CALLING TO WISH YOUA MERRY CHRISTMAS

AND I'LL... TALK TO YOUAFTER THE HOLIDAY."

"WHAT THE HELL WAS SHEREALLY TRYING TO SAY?"

"HI, IT'S ME.

"JUST CALLING TO WISH YOUA MERRY CHRISTMAS

AND I'LL... TALK TO YOUAFTER THE HOLIDAY."

( beep )

WITHIN AN HOUR I'VE PLAYED IT,LIKE, 500 TIMES

SLOWING IT DOWN, REWINDING IT

ANALYZING ITLIKE THE ZAPRUDER FILM.

HI, IT'S... ( tape rewinding )

"HI, IT'S..." ( tape rewinding )

"HI, IT'S..." ( tape rewinding )

"HOLIDAY... HOLIDAY...HOLIDAY... HOLIDAY."

GOT A MAKESHIFT LABIN THE BASEMENT

TEAMS OF SCIENTISTSGOING OVER THE TAPE.

"HER VOICE GOES UPON 'HI, IT'S ME.'"

( laughter )

THAT INDICATES SHE'S SLEEPINGWITH A BIG GUY NAMED TONY.

( laughter )

OH, YEAH.

( applause )

NOW...

THE FIRST THINGI DID IMMEDIATELY

WAS I WENT OUTAND I BLEW, LIKE, $300.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I BOUGHT.

YOU'RE JUST RUNNING INTO MALLS--

( teary: )"MY LIFE REALLY SUCKS,BUT IF I GET THIS LAMP

I THINK EVERYTHINGWILL BE GREAT."

( sobbing )

BRING IT HOME, PLUG IT IN.

"MY LIFE STILL SUCKSAND NOW I SEE WHY."

( laughter )

I BOUGHT A CAR STEREO,IT WAS A JOKE.

YOU WALK INTO THE STEREO STORE

WHAT'S THE FIRST THINGTHAT A GOOD SALESMAN DOES?

HE LOOKS IN YOUR EYES...

AND HE FIGURES OUT WHETHER ORNOT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

I SHOULD JUST WALK IN

WITH MY PANTS PULLED DOWNAND MY WALLET OPEN.

( whiny: )"WHAT HAPPENS?

"WHAT HAPPENS?

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?"

THE OTHER SALESMEN ARE DOINGROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS

TO FIND OUT WHO GETS ME.

I ENDED UP WITH A USED WALKMANSTUCK TO MY DASHBOARD WITH GUM.

( laughter )