YOU THINK THIS IS BAD.
MY BOYFRIEND GOT MAD AT ME
RECENTLY FOR LEANING LIKE THIS
WHILE I PERFORMED ORAL SEX.
I'M TIRED.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
HE WAS LIKE, "COULD YOU BE
ENTHUSIASTIC, PLEASE?"
NOT FOR NOTHING, BUT I HAVE BEEN
WITH HIM FIVE YEARS, OKAY?
HIS PENIS IS IN SYNDICATION
AT THIS POINT.
[LAUGHTER]
LIKE, YOU WANT ENTHUSIASM,
MAKE IT DO SOMETHING I'VE NEVER
SEEN IT DO BEFORE.
LIKE THE DISHES.
OH, I WOULD BE SO ENTHUSIASTIC.
I'D LIKE, GO PENI, GO PENI,
GO PENI.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
NAH, YOU GET SLEEPY, RIGHT?
YOU EVER FALL ASLEEP PERFORMING
ORAL SEX?
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
I'VE DONE IT.
IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
WAKING UP IS HORRIBLE.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
"WHERE AM I?
WHAT IS THIS?
DO YOU HAVE ANY RELISH?
WHAT IS THIS?
I WAS IN THE PARK.
I WAS AT A HOT DOG STAND.
AND THEN...
[LAUGHTER]
YOU STILL LIKE SEX, DON'T YOU?
[LAUGHTER]
YOU DO.
I KNOW YOU DO 'CAUSE YOU'RE IN
YOUR TWENTIES.
IT'S STILL FUN.
YEAH, SURE.
YOU STILL STRETCH BEFORE YOU
HAVE SEX.
THE SCREAM, "GET READY FOR THE
DISMOUNT.
WAAAAA!"
NO.
IN YOUR THIRTIES, THINGS CHANGE.
I'M NOT THAT EXCITED ANY MORE.
NOW I'M LIKE, "I MADE DINNER,
I GET BOTTOM.
I CALLED IT."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THIS IS DIRTY, BUT I DON'T CARE.
SOMETIMES I'LL DO IT DOGGY STYLE
'CAUSE YOU CAN WATCH TELEVISION.
[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]
IT'S A VERY UNDER-RATED
POSITION, 'CAUSE IT FREES YOU UP
TO MULTI-TASK.
LET'S FACE IT, THE LAUNDRY IS
NOT GONNA FOLD ITSELF, PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW THAT'S TRUE.
BUT YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL
'CAUSE IF YOU HAVE A GUY
WHO LIKES TO TALK DURING SEX,
LIKE I DO, IT'S VERY
AGGRAVATING.
IT'S HARD TO GET OTHER STUFF
DONE.
HE'S LIKE IT "YOU LIKE IT
LIKE THAT?"
"HELLO, I'M READING.
I'M NOT BOTHERING YOU.
WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS TALKING AND
BOTHERING AND INTERRUPTING ME?"
IT'S VERY ANNOYING.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I ADMIT IT.
ONCE IN A WHILE I HAVE FAKED
AN ORGASM.
I THINK MOST OF US DO IT,
YOU KNOW, OUT OF KINDNESS.
AGAIN, WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?
YOU HAVE TO BE SWEET.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
SERIOUSLY, 'CAUSE SOMETIMES
YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOODNESS,
HOW LONG...
IF I KNEW THIS WAS GONNA TAKE
THIS LONG, I HAVE THINGS TO DO.
I...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S AGGRAVATING AT THIS POINT."
NO, WITH THIS GUY I DON'T
FAKE IT.
I'VE EXAGGERATED IT.
LADIES KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
THE MEN ARE ALL LIKE,
"IS THAT...WHOO?"
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS.
THAT'S WHEN YOU ACT LIKE IT'S A
10 WHEN IT'S REALLY LIKE A 5.3.
LIKE YOU THROW A PILLOW THAT
PROBABLY DOESN'T NEED TO GET
THROWN.
OR YOU GIVE HIM ONE OF THOSE
LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING
TO ME?!
YOU'RE KILLING ME!"
AND THEN YOU AND THE DOG LOOK AT
EACH OTHER AND ROLL YOUR EYES.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
NO.