YOU THINK THIS IS BAD.

MY BOYFRIEND GOT MAD AT ME

RECENTLY FOR LEANING LIKE THIS

WHILE I PERFORMED ORAL SEX.

I'M TIRED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE WAS LIKE, "COULD YOU BE

ENTHUSIASTIC, PLEASE?"

NOT FOR NOTHING, BUT I HAVE BEEN

WITH HIM FIVE YEARS, OKAY?

HIS PENIS IS IN SYNDICATION

AT THIS POINT.

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE, YOU WANT ENTHUSIASM,

MAKE IT DO SOMETHING I'VE NEVER

SEEN IT DO BEFORE.

LIKE THE DISHES.

OH, I WOULD BE SO ENTHUSIASTIC.

I'D LIKE, GO PENI, GO PENI,

GO PENI.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NAH, YOU GET SLEEPY, RIGHT?

YOU EVER FALL ASLEEP PERFORMING

ORAL SEX?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

I'VE DONE IT.

IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

WAKING UP IS HORRIBLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"WHERE AM I?

WHAT IS THIS?

DO YOU HAVE ANY RELISH?

WHAT IS THIS?

I WAS IN THE PARK.

I WAS AT A HOT DOG STAND.

AND THEN...

[LAUGHTER]

YOU STILL LIKE SEX, DON'T YOU?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU DO.

I KNOW YOU DO 'CAUSE YOU'RE IN

YOUR TWENTIES.

IT'S STILL FUN.

YEAH, SURE.

YOU STILL STRETCH BEFORE YOU

HAVE SEX.

THE SCREAM, "GET READY FOR THE

DISMOUNT.

WAAAAA!"

NO.

IN YOUR THIRTIES, THINGS CHANGE.

I'M NOT THAT EXCITED ANY MORE.

NOW I'M LIKE, "I MADE DINNER,

I GET BOTTOM.

I CALLED IT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS IS DIRTY, BUT I DON'T CARE.

SOMETIMES I'LL DO IT DOGGY STYLE

'CAUSE YOU CAN WATCH TELEVISION.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

IT'S A VERY UNDER-RATED

POSITION, 'CAUSE IT FREES YOU UP

TO MULTI-TASK.

LET'S FACE IT, THE LAUNDRY IS

NOT GONNA FOLD ITSELF, PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW THAT'S TRUE.

BUT YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL

'CAUSE IF YOU HAVE A GUY

WHO LIKES TO TALK DURING SEX,

LIKE I DO, IT'S VERY

AGGRAVATING.

IT'S HARD TO GET OTHER STUFF

DONE.

HE'S LIKE IT "YOU LIKE IT

LIKE THAT?"

"HELLO, I'M READING.

I'M NOT BOTHERING YOU.

WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS TALKING AND

BOTHERING AND INTERRUPTING ME?"

IT'S VERY ANNOYING.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I ADMIT IT.

ONCE IN A WHILE I HAVE FAKED

AN ORGASM.

I THINK MOST OF US DO IT,

YOU KNOW, OUT OF KINDNESS.

AGAIN, WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?

YOU HAVE TO BE SWEET.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SERIOUSLY, 'CAUSE SOMETIMES

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOODNESS,

HOW LONG...

IF I KNEW THIS WAS GONNA TAKE

THIS LONG, I HAVE THINGS TO DO.

I...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S AGGRAVATING AT THIS POINT."

NO, WITH THIS GUY I DON'T

FAKE IT.

I'VE EXAGGERATED IT.

LADIES KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

THE MEN ARE ALL LIKE,

"IS THAT...WHOO?"

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS.

THAT'S WHEN YOU ACT LIKE IT'S A

10 WHEN IT'S REALLY LIKE A 5.3.

LIKE YOU THROW A PILLOW THAT

PROBABLY DOESN'T NEED TO GET

THROWN.

OR YOU GIVE HIM ONE OF THOSE

LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING

TO ME?!

YOU'RE KILLING ME!"

AND THEN YOU AND THE DOG LOOK AT

EACH OTHER AND ROLL YOUR EYES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NO.