AND THE ONE GUY SAYS TO HIS FRIEND, "I HAVEN'T SEEN ANY $1.99 BUFFET."
AND THE OTHER GUY GOES,"YEAH. IT'S ALL A SCAM."
OH, REALLY? IS THAT THE BIG SCAM IN LAS VEGAS?
- IT'S THE $1.99 BUFFET? - [LAUGHTER]
IT'S NOT LOSING ALL YOUR MONEY AT THE CRAP TABLES?
AND THE KENO AND THE SLOT MACHINE?
IT'S THE $1.99 BUFFET. THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
YOU TURN ON THE LOCAL NEWS ONE NIGHT,
YOU SEE A CHEF BEING LED AWAY IN HANDCUFFS,
COVERING UP HIS FACE WITH HIS CHEF HAT.
"$1.99 BUFFET SCAM, BUSTED!"
HOW DOES A $1.99 BUFFET SCAM WORK EXACTLY?
IS THERE A BIG SIGN OUTSIDE?
"COME ON IN FOR OUR $1.99 BUFFET!"
AND THEN YOU GET A BILL.IT'S $80.
YOU CALL THE WAITER OVER. "WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THE $80?"
- "IT'S A SCAM, BUDDY! - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
"IT'S A SCAM!"
I CONSIDER MYSELF TO BE A SPIRITUAL PERSON.
BUT I DON'T BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY.
ASTROLOGY SOUNDS LIKE NONSENSE TO ME.
THOSE ASTROLOGY COLUMNS IN THE PAPER,
I'D LOVE TO GET THAT JOB. I CAN DO IT IN LIKE 5 MINUTES.
HEY, VIRGO! THIS MONTH WHY DON'T YOU GET THAT OLD FINANCIAL THING GOING ON?
AH, THIS MONTH'S GONNA BE A-- IT'S A 30 DAY SITUATION!
TOWARDS THE END OF THE MONTH, I'D THINK ABOUT GETTING THE OLD
RENT-ER-ROO TOGETHER FOR THE FOL...
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
- HI, LEO-- COOL NAME. - [LAUGHTER]
WHY DON'T YOU KEEPTHOSE WORKPLACE PROBLEMSIN THE WORKPLACE?
THE GUY AT THE TABLE NEXT TO YOU, HE CERTAINLY IS THERE.
WHEN EVERYBODY ELSE GOES TO LUNCH,
- WHY DON'T YOU JOIN THEM? - [LAUGHTER]
- GOOD MORNING, LEVITICUS! - [LAUGHTER]
THIS MONTH YOU'RE GONNA MEET SOMEONE FROM YOUR PAST.
OR, MAYBE YOU'LL MEET SOMEONE YOU CURRENTLY KNOW.
OR, PERHAPS YOU WILL MEET SOMEONE FROM THE FUTURE
THAT YOU'VE NEVER MET BEFORE. BROWN HAIR WILL-- DO A THING!
[LAUGHTER]
I LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE FIND OUT THEY'RE THE SAME SIGN
AND THEY'RE LIKE CRAZYAND THEY WERE AT A PARTY
AND THEY CAN'T STOP TALKING. "OH! YOU'RE A SAGITTARIUS?
"I'M A SAGITTARIUS! DO YOU LIKE FOOD?
- "I LOVE FOOD!- [LAUGHTER]
"DO YOU DO MOST OF YOUR HEARINGWITH YOUR EARS? ME, TOO!
"IT'S BECAUSE I'M A SAGITTARIUS! YOU'RE A SAGITTAR--
DON'T YOU HATE WHEN THE LINE AT THE BANK IS LONG? ME, TOO!"
IF YOU EVER SEEPEOPLE LIKE AT A PARTY,
AND YOU WANT TO BREAK IT UP, HERE'S A GOOD WAY TO BREAK UP
AN ASTROLOGICAL LOVE FEST. YOU JUST STICK YOUR HEAD
IN THE MIDDLE OF THESE PEOPLE AND YOU GO, "UH, YOU KNOW
"HITLER WAS A SAGITTARIUS.
"HOW DO YOU FEELABOUT THAT, HUH?
"HITLER WAS A SAGITTARIUS. HUH?
"HITLER DIDN'T LIKE WHEN THE LINE AT THE BANK WAS LONG.
- AND HOW!" - [LAUGHTER]
AND IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT SIGN HITLER WAS EITHER
BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE DON'T REMEMBER.
AND IF THEY DO, THEY'RE NOT GONNA CORRECT YOU, OKAY?
THEY'RE NOT GONNA TURN AROUND AND GO,
"UH, HITLER WASNOT A SAGITTARIUS, PAL."
AND THEN YOU CAN TURN AROUND AND GO,
"OH, REALLY, HEIR ICHMAN?
- MR. GOBULES? HMM? - [LAUGHTER]