Cristela Alonzo - What Would Jesus Do?

Schimmel, McCullough, Guillory, Mellard, Alonzo, Belleville, Segura Season 2, Ep 4 07/05/2007 Views: 11,336

Cristela Alonzo reveals why she loved going to church as a kid and unveils her seduction technique for Halloween parties. (2:23)

It's really hardbeing a single mom nowadays,

which is whyI don't have children.

I am a blackout drinker though,so that's cool.

I am. I love drinking.

I'm a big drinkerfor obvious reasons.

I'm Catholic.

Catholics...We do nothing but drink.

I mean, that's all we do.

I used to hate,when I was little,

and have to go to church.

I hated church until the day

I discovered wine.

Or what we Catholics callthe "blood of Christ."

I was, like, you give wineto little kids?

Heck, yeah! Love me some Jesus!Bring it on!

What would Jesus do?Get me hammered.

I was up to, like, two bottlesof Christ a day.

I was going to churchall the time. Why?

Because God doesn't check IDs.

It's true.

I'm kind of a tomboy.

I don't like being a chick.

I think certain women...

You messed it upfor me bad, man.

And not all women.

I'm talking to thoseskinny little chicks out there.

The ones who liketo wear underwear

and call it an outfit.

I hate you!

And these chicks,they all have their national

holiday: Halloween.

They all come out on Halloween.

It's always so cute.They're always really cute.

I'm wearing a yellow thong.

I'm a sexy pikachu!


I'm wearing a black bra.

I'm a nun. Party!

And then we all goto the Halloween party,

and all the guysare after the naughty nurse...

the naughty kitten...

the naughty devil.

Where am I? Well,I'm in the corner of the room.

Hey! Who wantsto (bleep) the pumpkin, huh?

Anybody want some pumpkin pie?

Honey, whipped cream!

It's, like, a year later,I'm an M&M.

Melt in your mouth,not in your hands.

What's up?

You know you're out of shapewhen that tires you out.

Yeah. It's crazy.