Ari Shaffir - Married Couples Shouldn't Live Together

Ari Shaffir: Passive Aggressive Season 1, Ep 1 03/13/2015 Views: 1,779

Ari Shaffir tells a story that demonstrates why all adults should live alone like he does. (3:16)

I think I know why.

I think I know why everymarried friend I know,

fights just likeall our parents did.

Because they makethis huge mistake that

every married couple makes.

They decided to live together.

I know it seems stupid,but it's a horrible idea.

Don't make a roommateout of somebody you love.

Those are horrible people.

It's never going to work.

Here's why, here's why.

When you live with somebody,you're wrong half the time.

Half of any situation that comesup, you're going to be wrong.

I live alone.

I've never been wrong before.

I It's never, ever happened.

Here's, for example,one time I was eating

Chinese food in my apartment.

I was naked and I waseating Chinese food.

It was like, 2:00 PM.

I wasn't ready to start yet.

And I'm eatingthis Chinese food,

and I'm talking on the phone.

And as I'm talking, thechopsticks crossed over,

and a piece of General Tso'schicken fell over the bowl

and onto the floor.

I tried to catch itas it was falling out

of the air with the chopsticks.

But as soon as I tried, Iwas like, are you crazy?

Did you really think you hadany shot in the world at that?

Miyagi tried for half acentury and never got it.

Your first try, a targetmoving away from you, really?

The hubris involved tothink I had any chance.

Here's how close I got tocatching the chicken out

of the air with chopsticks.

I hit it with my wrist, andI forced it down faster.

That's how close I was.

As soon as I tried, Iwas like-- So anyhow,

I got to get that chicken,but I was on the phone,

I'll get it when Iget off the phone.

But then I talked forlike another 30 minutes,

and then I've got callwaiting, and that call

lasted 45 more minutes.

And then it got late,and I had to leave.

So I quickly put someclothes on, and I left.

And I came back like10, 11 hours later,

and I'm running to the bathroom.

Because you know, as soon as youtouch your keys to go inside,

like you've had topee like you've never

had to pee before in your life.

What is that?

We're like, I'll be in in onesecond, nope maybe 5 seconds.

It's just way harder to go innow. [bleep] idiot bladder,

you can't wait 10 seconds?

So I get it open.

I'm running to go the bathroom,and I saw the piece chicken,

like still on the floor there.

And I was like, ah,crap, I got to get that.

It's been there all day.

That's really disgusting.

But then I went to thebathroom, I got sidetracked,

and I started the vaporizer up.

And then I smokedsome pot, and then I

ate a shit load of gummy bears.

Like, a totally unhealthyamount of gummy bears having AA.

And then I got tired fromeating all those gummy bears,

you know.

It was the texture after awhile, it really wears you out.

And so I went to sleep.

I said [bleep], let's call ita day, and I went to sleep.

I woke up in the middle of thenight, like 4:00 or 5:00 AM

to go to the bathroom.

As walking to the bathroomtrying to keep my eyes

closed so I don't wake up.

And as I'm walking, Istepped right in the chicken.

And at first, I didn'teven know what it was.

Because it had been so long,I thought I just killed

a cockroach with my bare foot.

That'll wake you up, by the way.

Oh, I just killed a cockroach.

That's disgusting.

I was, like, oh, it's thatchicken, that's right.

It's been there forlike a day and a half.

It's really disgusting.

So I got a paper towel,and I wiped it off my foot.

And then I wiped the restoff the floor, and that's it.

I was not wrong.