John Oliver - Empires Die

  • Season 1 , Ep 2
  • 01/15/2010
  • Views: 11,960

One second, you'll be running the entire known planet, and the next, you'll be the voice of a gecko. (2:08)

LET'S GET ONE THINGOUT OF THE WAY STRAIGHT AWAY.

I'M NOT LIKE YOU.

I'M BRITISH.(laughter)

THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME BETTERTHAN YOU...

ANYMORE.(laughter)

ALL I'M SAYING IS,200 YEARS AGO,

THIS WOULD HAVE BEENA VERY DIFFERENT GIG.

(laughter)

YOU'D BE GETTING LESS JOKESFROM ME AND MORE INSTRUCTIONS

AS TO WHAT I EXPECT YOUTO DO TOMORROW.

IT'D BE BASIC LAND WORK,NOTHING YOU CAN'T HANDLE.

ALL I'M ASKING YOUTO UNDERSTAND

THAT THOUGH THIS WILL BE FUNTHIS EVENING,

FOR ME, IT IS ALSO IMBIBEDWITH A REAL SENSE OF LOSS.

(laughter)

I WOULD LIKE TO ISSUE A WARNINGTO ALL OF YOU,

A VERY SERIOUS WARNINGFROM THE HEART.

LOOK DEEP INTO MY EYES.

LOOK DEEP INTO THESE EYESBECAUSE--

THERE'S NO NICE WAYOF SAYING THIS--

YOU ARE LOOKINGINTO YOUR FUTURE.

EMPIRES DIE, AMERICA,

AND THISIS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU.

IT'S NOT PRETTY.

I'M NOT GONNA SUGARCOAT ITFOR YOU PEOPLE.

ONE SECOND YOU'LL BE RUNNINGTHE ENTIRE KNOWN PLANET.

YOU'LL LOOK AWAY FOR WHAT FEELSLIKE NOTHING MORE THAN A DECADE,

GLANCE BACKWARDS, AND THE ONLYTHING YOUR COUNTRY IS LEFT WITH

IS VOICING A...GECKO.

(laughter)

OH, OH, LAUGH NOWWHILE YOU STILL CAN

'CAUSE I GUARANTEE YOUIN 20 YEARS' TIME,

YOU'RE GONNA BEON CHINESE TELEVISION

SELLING THEM CAR INSURANCEDRESSED UP LIKE A SQUIRREL.

(laughter)OH! I'M A... SQUIRREL.

OH!(laughter)

WHO WANTS 50%OF THEIR CAR INSURANCE?

OH!

WATCH THE TAIL!I'M WALKIN' HERE!

I'M WALKIN' HERE!GET ME A COFFEE!

I'M A SQUIRREL.OH!

THE ONLY AMERICAN ACCENTI CAN DO

IS A FOUL-MOUTHED SQUIRRELFROM JERSEY.(laughter)

I DON'T KNOWWHY THAT'S THE CASE.

I JUST KNOW IT TO BE A FACT.

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