Roast Battle II - Evan Williams vs. Anna Valenzuela

Roast Battle II: Night One - Uncensored Season 2, Ep 5 01/26/2017 Views: 8,049

Anna Valenzuela may be whiter than the cocaine Evan Williams used to snort, but at least she isn't a living television network. (4:45)

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Let's Roast!

[bell dinging]

- Anna is Mexican,

but she has a tramp stamp,she doesn't speak Spanish,

and she vapes.

If you were any whiter,I'd relapse and snort you.

[laughter]

- You look like MTV2became a man.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

[quietly]That's good.

That was good.That was good.

Thank you,Adam Sandler in a wig.

I appreciate that.I appreciate that.

audience: Oh!

- You were greatin "Jack and Jill" as Jack.

Um, I, uh--

Anna's into bondage.Tell me.

What was harder,putting the butt plug in

or pulling the plugon your father?

audience: Oh!

- Ay, papi.All right.

[whistling]

- Oh, my God, Evan,that joke was longer

than your brother's life.

audience: Oh!- [chuckling]

- Evan wants to live his lifejust like Robin Williams.

Too bad his mom alreadybeat him to it.

audience: Oh.

- Anna...

[both laugh]

Pretty good.

[scattered cheers and applause]

Anna worked with autistic kids,and just like those kids,

I'd rather cover my earsand count 1,000 tooth picks

than listen to her talk.

You sound like the white ladyat the restaurant

that sends the food back

and you look likethe Mexican that cooks it.

[scattered laughterand murmurs]

- Oh, my God, Evan,that joke was longer

than your mother's life.

audience: Oh.

[laughter]

- Evan has body dysmorphia,so none of you tell him

how big his pussy looksin those jeans.

[cheers and applause]audience: Oh!

[alarm blaring]

- Last joke.Last joke.

- Ah, good.Really good.

I thought my pussylooked great in this,

but thank you.[laughter]

Um, all right.

Anna--Anna slept with two guysthat died soon after.

Her pussy kills more oftenthan her stand up.

Just about--just about everybodyAnna [bleep] dies,

so I mean this when I say it,Anna.

Go [bleep] yourself.

- [laughs]audience: Oh.

- Evan's brother diedwhen he was 19,

his mom when he was 20,

and then he got married at 21.

His vows must have been,

"Please don't leave me."

audience: [scattered "Oh"s]

- Isn't it crazy,I was the coke head

when she has the huge--- No, no, no, that's it!

That's it.That's--that is--

[bell dinging] That's gonna do it.

Break it up.

[cheers and applause]

Evan, Anna.Make noise.

[cheers and applause]

- Wow.

Interesting battle.

That was seriouslysome of the meanest battling

I've ever heardin my entire life.

- Pretty mean.- Yeah.

- You guys need to hugone more time,

I think, right now.- Aww.

- Look at this.- Nice.

- Uh, you know, the "MTV2" joke

was my favorite jokeof that battle.

- Thank you.- Great, Anna.

- Nice job.- Thank you.

- I'm gonna let Anthonytake this one.

- [clears throat]Yeah, uh, Anna,

is said you've been doing comedyfor only two years.

That surprises me.

I coulda swornit was six months.

Um...[laughter]

No, you guys both hadgood jokes,

but there was a lot ofinside baseball stuff in there.

Like, you're talkingabout brothers

and fathers and motherswho died.

We don't knowyour [bleep] family.

We don't knowwhat any of that's about.

I'm gonna go with Jeff and say

that I think the best joke wasthe "MTV2" joke

that everyone could getright away.

My vote's going for Anna.

- Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

- All right.

- Snoop, that's one jokefor Anna Valenzuela.

- Yeah, well, uh, I was--I was taking score and shit

while y'all was telling jokesand shit, right?

You know what I'm saying?

I was really taking scoreand shit.

[laughter]

- I love how seriouslyyou're taking this.

- Nah, I'm ser--nah, nah, I'm tak--

for nig--look.- Wait, Snoop--

- I was giving--I gave cuz a couple of halves

'cause he got a couple of halves'cause I didn't know

what the [bleep]he was talking about.

[laughter]

- You're--you're "cuz."- And then I can't--

- That's the blunt talking,Snoop.

Come on.- I feel you,

but then I was looking at Annaand that dress...

[cheers]

- Yeah.- And she was actually funny.

I was like--- [laughs]

- Like, "Damn, you funnyas a mother[bleep]

and you look good,"so I'ma have to give it to Anna.

- Thank you.- Oh!

Jeff, make it official.The Mexicans are invading.

- Evan, you seriously areone of the best counterpunchers.

You're so good at this.I hope you keep battling,

but Anna, congratulations!First time on TV!

- How about that?Hug!

[air horn blowing] [cheers and applause]

Moving on to the next round,

everybody, Anna Valenzuela.- [chanting] Anna.

all: [chanting]Anna.