Tom Cotter - Drinking and Driving

Cotter, Blitz, Lombard, Cantone Season 3, Ep 0305 01/22/2000 Views: 5,963

Friends don't let friends drink and drive, but Tom doesn't have any friends. (2:34)

I LOVE THE HOMELESS PEOPLE.

IS THAT SO WRONG?

THAT'S WHAT WE CALL THEM NOW,"THE HOMELESS."

WHEN I WAS A KID,WHAT DID WE CALL THEM?

"BUMS AND HOBOS, AND TRAMPS"...

BUT, THAT WASN'TSENSITIVE ENOUGH, WAS IT?

SO NOW, THEY'RE "THE HOMELESS"

AND NEXT YEAR..."OUTDOORSMEN."

I THINK WE SHOULD TRY THAT,OR...

"FIELD COLLECTION AGENTS.

"HYGIENE-IMPAIRED

PROFESSIONAL SQUEEGEETECHNICIANS."

MY POINT IS THIS--

EVERYBODY'SSO POLITICALLY CORRECT, NOW

YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING.

I JUST WORKED AT A CASINO

WHERE THEY CHANGED ALL THE NAMESOF THE GAMES

'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANTTO OFFEND ANYBODY.

LIKE, NO LONGER IS IT"BLACK JACK."

NOW, IT'S"AFRICAN-AMERICAN JACK"...

AND NO LONGER IS IT "POKER."

NOW, IT'S "TAKE HER OUTTO DINNER AND A MOVIE."

( amused groaning )

WE DON'TCALL ANYTHING

WHAT IT IS ANYMORE.

IN COLLEGE

I WAS A "PARTYER."

ALL MY FRIENDS USED TO SAY,"COTTER, YOU'RE A PARTYER."

NOW, I'M A "PROBLEM DRINKER."

WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?

SO NOW, I'M IN MY CARAND I'M HAMMERED

AND I KNOW, "FRIENDS DON'TLET FRIENDS DRINK AND DRIVE"

BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.

SO, I'M DRIVING ALONGAND I END UP HITTING A DOG.

I DIDN'T WANT TO HIT THE DOG

BUT HE WAS ABOUT TO SNIFF OUTTHE COCAINE IN MY TRUNK

SO I SMASHED HIM...

AND THE COP WASALREADY ANGRY AT ME

'CAUSE OF THE WEDGIEAND THE NOOGIES.

HERE'S A TIP.

IF YOU EVER GET PULLED OVERBY THE POLICE

AND THE COP COMES UPTO THE WINDOW OF YOUR CAR

NEVER LOOK AT HIM AND SAY

"OFFICER, I FIND YOU VERY ATTRACTIVE

AND THAT'S NOTJUST THE BOOZE TALKING."

THEY HATE THAT.

SO, OFFICER GRUMPY HAS MEEXIT THE VEHICLE BY MY HAIR

THROUGH THE SUNROOF,WHICH WAS CLOSED AT THE TIME

AND HE SAYS, "STAND ON ONE FOOT,TILT YOUR HEAD BACK

"CLOSE YOUR EYES,PUT YOUR ARMS OUT

"AND SLOWLY TOUCHYOUR INDEX FINGER

"TO THE TIP OF YOUR NOSE

AND DON'T TRY ANYTHING STUPID."

SO, ANYWAY,I SPEND THE NIGHT IN JAIL

AND THE NEXT MORNINGMY LAWYER GOT ME OFF

IN THE MEN'S ROOM

WHICH WAS GOOD'CAUSE I WAS NERVOUS.

UH...

NOW, I'M IN FRONT OF THE JUDGEAND HE SAYS, "HOW DO YOU PLEAD?"

AND I SAID,"CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS."

AND HE SAYS,"WHAT ARE YOU, A COMEDIAN?"

AND I SAID,"WHAT ARE YOU, A PSYCHIC?"

AND IT TURNS OUT HE WAS,'CAUSE HE KNEW I WAS GOING

TO PAY THIS HUGE FINEIN THE FUTURE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE KNEW THAT.