Doug Mellard - Bad Ass Cub Scout

Season 2, Ep 0204 07/05/2007 Views: 2,865

Doug is a tiny, tiny man. (1:38)

and while I was there, I foundmy old Cub Scouts uniform.

And, sadly, I can still fitin the damn thing. Yeah.

For a second,I actually felt pretty cool.

I looked at myself.I was, like, oh, my God!

I'm the biggest,most badass Cub Scout ever!

And then I just realized thatI am a tiny, tiny man. Yeah.

It's not that funny.

It's sad.

I worked at a pharmacywhen I was 14.

And, in order to get condomsfrom this pharmacy,

you have to ask somebodyfrom behind the counter,

which was awesome for me.

And I remember, at one point,

this older gentlemanasked me for some prophylactics.

And, at that time,

my sexual vocabularywasn't that great, you know?

So I'm checking my word bank

for the closest thing I haveto "prophylactics."

Closest thing I got?

Pterodactyls. Yeah.

I was all confused.

I was, like, "Excuse me, sir.I hate to break it to you,

but those things have beenextinct for 65 million years."

He was even more confused.

He was, like, "Look, kid,I just need some condoms."

And that's when I said,

"Sir, if you're going to have sex with a pterodactyl,

you need to leave."

Because thatis against store policy.

And it's disgusting.

And/or the coolest thingI've ever heard in my life.