This is a big political year.
I can't do political humor.
I failed my government class.
My teacher is like, "Dustin, whofounded the League of Nations?"
I'm like, "Duh, Batman,Superman, Aquaman.
Those two twinswith the Blow Pop rings."
So glad I don't goto school now, man.
Bullies are so mean.
And now they kick your assand put it on YouTube.
You go home,your mom already knows
you got your ass kicked.
It's like, "Mom..."
"I know, sweetie, "Fat kidcries" got 42,000 hits.
"Your ass whomping went viral.
We got any militaryin the house tonight?
Military? Yeah.(man howls)
I play a lot of Halo.Hell, yeah, too.
We're in the same boat.
I get freaked outabout getting drafted, man.
'Cause all-- they're, like,Iran and North Korea.
If I get drafted, like, you guysare screwed, all right.
I look like I was madeat Build-A-Bear.
No one's going to run from me.
Like, I'm not intim...
Like, "Run!Kung Fu Panda's attacking!
"What do we do?
"Hurry!Nacho Libre's going to eat us.
Somebody, do something."
I'm not built to fight, man.
I saw that movie, 300--I would be
the only soldierwith a shirt on.
I... I would show upfor battle--
like, "Yeah, let's go!
Have you guys been working outthis whole time or something?"
Like, uh, my mom--
she hated violencewhen I was a kid, too, man.
She wouldn't even let mehave water guns.
All my buddies, they hadthese badass Super Soakers.
I had a Windex bottle.
My buddies are like,"Hey, Dustin,
my Super Soakerhas a scope attached to it."
I'm like, "Yeah, minecuts through grease, bitch.
You want stream or spray?"
I don't know how to fight, man.
I learned how to fightfrom video games.
Like Street Fighter,
Mortal Kombat-- those games.
First fight I got into whenI was a kid, I punched a guy,
I was like...(exaggerated punching sound)
Like, I actually madethat sound effect.
I was like...(exaggerated punching sounds)
Ayuga! Ayuga! Ayuga!
Ayuga! Get over here!
My first move wasn't working.
I went to the corner ofthe room, started low kicking.
"Come on! Come on!
Walk into it, bitch. Come on!"