Brian Posehn - Dragging a Mattress

  • Season 6 , Ep 8
  • 06/09/2002
  • Views: 4,683

Maybe Brian Posehn isn't a dork after all. (2:45)

I STILL HAVE ALL THIS NERD RAGE,

YOU KNOW, I STILL HAVE ALL THIS

STUFF TO DEAL WITH.

I STILL HATE JOCKS AND I'M LIKE

35 AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANY

JOCKS.

I HAVE ALL THIS AGGRESSION

STILL.

AND IT'S TOTALLY TRUE, I WAS

PULLING INTO WORK ONE MORNING

IN L.A. AND THERE'S NO PLACE

TO PARK SO I HAD TO PARK ON THE

STREET.

AND THERE WAS NO SPACES OPEN.

THERE WAS A KIDS MATTRESS LAYING

IN THE STREET SO I WAS LIKE

SCREW IT, RIGHT.

I DIDN'T EVEN GET OUT AND MOVE

IT, I JUST PARKED OVER IT.

I WENT "ARRRRR, ERRRRR, EEEEET."

PARALLEL PARKED, GO INTO WORK.

I COME OUT LIKE EIGHT HOURS

LATER AND GET IN MY CAR,

DRIVE AROUND THE CORNER

AND THERE'S THIS GYM RIGHT

THERE.

I'M DRIVING BY THE GYM AND THESE

TWO DUDES ARE COMING OUT OF THE

GYM, TOTAL JOCKS, AND THEY LOOK

AT ME AND THEY'RE LIKE "AH-HA."

AND THEY START POINTING AND

LAUGHING, YOU KNOW, LIKE

"GET A LOAD OF THIS GUY!"

AND ALL THIS NERD RAGE JUST CAME

FLYING BACK.

I JUST HAD THIS HUGE NERD

FLASHBACK AND I FLIP OUT,

AND I LOSE MY (BLEEP) AND

I'M JUST LIKE "(BLEEP) YOU!

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!

'CAUSE I WEAR GLASSES?!

I HAVE A VISION PROBLEM, (BLEEP)

YOU, YOU (BLEEP) JOCK (BLEEP),

I (BLEEP) HATE YOU!"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

JUST LOSING MY MIND, AND LUCKILY

I HAD MY WINDOWS UP...

(LAUGHTER)

BUT THEY COULD TELL I WAS MAD,

YOU KNOW.

I'M ALL RED FACED AND FLIPPING

THE BIRD.

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT A

WEIRDO", YOU KNOW.

THIS IS TOTALLY TRUE SO I

GO PAST THEM AND I GET TO

THE NEXT BLOCK AND THERE'S A

CONSTRUCTION SITE THERE.

THERE'S A COUPLE OF CONSTRUCTION

WORKERS STANDING OUT FRONT.

ONE GUY LOOKS AT ME AND GOES

TO HIS BUDDY, "GET A LOAD OF

THIS GUY."

AND THEN I LOSE IT AGAIN

I'M LIKE, "BRING IT ON!

YOU GUYS USED TO BE JOCKS

AND NOW YOU HAVE TO BUILD STUFF,

(BLEEP) YOU!"

(LAUGHTER)

AND I THOUGHT FOR A SECOND,

AND I PULL OVER AND SURE ENOUGH,

THE MATTRESS IS STUCK UNDERNEATH

MY CAR.

(LAUGHTER)

I'D BEEN DRAGGING IT FOR

TWO BLOCKS, YOU KNOW, THE WOOD

PART WAS ALL TORN TO (BLEEP),

THERE'S LIKE A TWO BLOCK TRAIL

BEHIND MY CAR.

ONE OF THE CONSTRUCTION WORKERS

ACTUALLY HELPS ME PULL IT OUT

FROM UNDERNEATH MY CAR.

HE WAS SUPER COOL AND I FELT

LIKE SUCH A DOUCHE.

IT JUST MADE ME THINK THAT MAYBE

I'M NOT A GEEK, MAYBE I'VE JUST

BEEN DRAGGING A MATTRESS MY

WHOLE LIFE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

NAH, YOU'RE RIGHT, I'M A GEEK.

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