Jim Norton - Stand-By

Baldo, Viracola, Regan, Norton Season 5, Ep 508 11/16/2001 Views: 5,933

Jim's buddy wonders about flying stand-by. (1:36)

I WILL SAY, THE ONE THING

I DON'T MISS WHEN I LEAVE

HERE...

CAB DRIVERS.

THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIVE HERE

DON'T UNDERSTAND THE HATRED

WE HAVE FOR THESE PEOPLE.

AND I DON'T MIND--

YEAH, THEY'RE AWFUL.

(CHEERING)

I'M ACTUALLY WRITING A MOVIE.

IT'S ABOUT TWO CABBYS.

THEY HAVE A HEAD-ON COLLISION

AND THE EXPLOSION KILLS THEM

BOTH.

THE MOVE IS CALLED

"WOULDN'T LIFE BE GOOD IF THIS

HAPPENED EVER EIGHT SECONDS?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

HERE'S THE PROBLEM I HAVE.

LIKE, I LAUGH AT AWFUL THINGS.

I'M A NICE PERSON.

I HAVE AN AWFUL SENSE OF HUMOR.

AND I THINK THAT EVERYBODY IS

GUILTY OF THAT ONCE IN A WHILE.

LIKE, JUST LAUGHING AT

SOMETHING.

WHEN YOU'RE DONE YOU'RE LIKE,

"OH, GOD.

I NEED A SHOWER.

I MEAN, THAT WAS DISGUSTING."

ME AND MY BUDDY WERE IN

HOUSTON INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT.

WAITING GO GET ON A PLAN

WE SEE A VERY OLD LADY IN A

WHEEL CHAIR.

WHICH IS NOT A FUNNY THING.

SHE HAS NO LEGS.

WHICH IS KIND OF FUNNY.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I KNOW I CAN'T LOOK AT

MY FRIEND.

YOU EVER FEEL SOMEBODY NEXT

TO YOU SHAKING WITH LAUGHTER...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND YOU KNOW IF YOU LOOK

YOU'RE A DEAD MAN?

BUT YOU HAVE TO LOOK.

IT'S LIKE A CAR ACCIDENT

OR A SADAMY VIDEO.

I MEAN, YOU JUST HAVE TO...

I LOOK AT MY FRIEND.

HE IS SHAKING A LAUGHING SO HARD

HE HAS DROOL COMING OUT

OF THE SIDE OF HIS MOUTH.

AND I'M LIKE, "OH, GOD.

PLEASE DON'T LET ME LAUGH.

PLEASE DON'T LET ME LAUGH."

I MEAN, HE HITS ME.

"DO YOU THINK SHE'S FLYING

STAND-BY?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)